My very hazy crystal ball sees ...

What I wouldn’t give for some of these to occur, though in all likelihood only the first and last are worth putting the kids trust fund on …

1. Robert Mugabe will stay in power.

2. The ANC will win a two-thirds majority. Again. This would, however, have more to do with Jesus not being ready for a comeback yet than any great political manoeuvering/expertise by the ANC.

3. Jacob Zuma will take Mosiua Lekota’s childhood sweetheart as his 14th wife.

4. The above will push “Terror” over the edge and he will burst into flames. Heads to explode in the homes of disgruntled ex-ANC supporters.

5. To spare themselves and the nation from death by excruciating boredom, the DA will Botox Helen Zille’s lips ’till they can buy her a personality.

6. Allan Boesak to maybe possibly be accused of stealing money from Shikota. And blame it all on a racist anti-Coloured plot, before promptly rejoining the ANC.Possibly.

7. The Hon Prince Buthelezi will claim that amaZulu are directly descended from God, and that he has the stone tablets to prove this. And lay claim to an independent Zulu homeland.

8. Jacob Zuma will commission Zapiro to create his official portrait. Complete with showerhead detail.

9. Patricia de Lille will clamour for an inquiry into the arms deal. She will be ignored. Again.

10. Mbhazima Shilowa will start a foundation campaigning for the rights of single mothers faced with errant fathers.

11. Lynda “who?” Odendaal will allege sexual harassment against Peter Marais, who will then promptly leave Shikota for the IFP, claiming it is the only party that has ever had the Coloured community interests at heart.

12. Julius Malema will threaten to kill himself for Zuma. The FF+ will make a public pledge to assist him in any and every way possible. The rest of the country will start planning the biggest bash since our last World Cup.

13. Tsvangirai will lay into the SA Government for not doing enough to stop Mugabe’s abuses of power, while ensconced in five-star luxury at another three-week long taxpayer funded Sun City talkshop.

14. Kgalema Motlanthe will perform one non-ANC mandated act. Like dyeing his mini-goatee the same colour as the rest of his head. Just for the thrill. Or tell us what he really thinks on key issues. Then promptly be recalled.

15. Robert Mugabe will stay in power.