My dear fellow cyclists

While cycling during the past week I realised that so many of us err in our ways. Our habits need to be changed or amended. If we wish to improve our lot with our fellow road users then we need to take immediate action. Only if we do this will we avoid being ostracised, suffer repeated knock-down attempts and the general swearing at abuse hurled at us while we cycle in the country.

Here are a few pointers that could help:

Please ensure that you always cycle with a set of headphones attached to your snazzy mp3-whatever-it-is. You wouldn’t want to plug into the world around you (approaching cars or the sounds of warning hooters) as that would upset your drive for privacy and equilibrium on your searching cycle for zen.
Remember that it is not a requirement to say hello to fellow cyclists. You can. But you don’t have to. Just saying.
When your buddy asks if you have been training for that 100-miler or the 94.7 Cycle Challenge, always downplay the fact that you have logged 190km this week, and its only Wednesday. This entitles you to a self deprecating response when you outperform your “lack of training”.
I believe that we should all attempt to use as much of our lane as we can. When there is only one of us it’s a challenge but it is still possible to show courtesy and understanding to fellow road users by “owning” our lane.
Special attention however needs to be paid when there are a number of us cycling together. We should then ensure that we totally rule our lane.
As an addendum to the point above I think that it is imperative that we teach fellow road users that when we are riding tough and “dominating” the road, hooting at us is both unnecessary and frankly, tacky.
When out in the country it is particularly important to ensure that we support local enterprise through job creation (garbage clean up specifically) by flinging our energy bar and gel wrappers to the side of the road. Not too far you understand, or the locals whom we are trying to financially support, will have to hunt for them.
Unfortunately, few of us carry glass bottles around so we will be unable to live up to the excellent standards set for us by motor vehicle drivers. How admirable that they not only throw the bottles out the car windows but ensure that it they are smashed right in the path of oncoming cyclists. What a win for the motorists!
Remember that if you are cycling on a piece of Italian carbon or your bike has a suitably high price tag (whilst not being truly speaking Italian carbon) you should maintain a little decorum and not interact too much with the unwashed masses on their Raleigh’s and Giants. They will only be embarrassed to have royalty such as yourself deign to communicate with them and this may cause unnecessary incidents and accidents.
And finally, remember to be amazed when you see those peeps on their TT or tri-bikes. They really are cool and do distances like the Argus for warm-ups on a Sunday morning, before riding down to Durban for a spot of late afternoon tea. So say hello. They’re fellow cyclists too.