Mr Siphiwe Nyanda, what is your secret?

Dear Mr Nyanda

It has come to my attention that you and I share a common interest. We like to rock overpriced hotels on someone else’s dime.

Please don’t tell anyone this, but the way I do it is to convince large multinationals that if they want to sell truckloads of their products they need to send me to exotic locations to make their TV ads. Of course while we are away from home, we need to be comfortable, so they put us up in some pretty fine-ass hotels. (The ones where even the hookers have better degrees than you and me). We get to eat, sleep and drink like rock stars. We get to indulge in the vacuous lifestyles of the rich and famous for a few days or weeks. Stuffing our faces with lightly seared pepper-encrusted tuna, wasabi mayo and bottles of Verve. Yes, there is the occasional pang of guilt, for being a minion in the capitalist regime. But hey, if anyone ever tries to convince you that selling your soul to the devil is not worth it, tell them to try the Zwyer Caviar in the lounge at the Mt Nellie in Cape Town.

But you probably know that already. You’ve been peacing out hard at the Nellie this year. So you may have indulged in a few spoonfuls of the fishy-eggy-deliciousness yourself. You know what I also love about that place? Them little L’Occitane shampoos they have in the shower. You know how much they are online? R56.00! Yup, fifty-six bucks for that little bottle and they give you a new one every day. That’s pretty great. Anyways, I didn’t write to you to talk about shampoo or the pool … aah, the pool there is just killer … Sorry, you’re a busy man, I’ll get to my point.

Mr Nyanda, I have to ask you, conman to conman, how do you get all those people living in the shacks to cough up for your lifestyle? I mean, there they are living in little houses, earning shit-all, loads of them hardly have any food and you got them to pay for the Mount Nelson. Respect man! That’s a tough sell. A hostile market, as we like to say in the trade. Mr Nyanda, I’d love to know your secret. Because if I’m honest, things aren’t what they used to be in adland. The days of the overseas jolly are numbered. Our clients are getting tighter, reining in the purse strings. Global financial crisis and all that. I tell them we need to shoot in the Seychelles and they say: What about Zaanstad? That’s the Amsterdam equivalent of Brakpan! How am I meant to make shampoo look nice in Brakpan?

But I won’t have to, if you could give me some tips, tell me how you do it. If I can learn how to trick poor people into paying for a stay in the Mt Nelson, a CEO of a large multinational will be a walk in the park! I will be back on road, living the high life.

Mr Nyanda, I won’t waste any more of your time, any advice you can offer will be appreciated. Thank you for listening.

Your conman in arms

David J Smith

PS I saw that the Mail & Guardian called your stay in the Cape a 5-star hotel binge. Don’t sweat it, they’re just jealous. Cash-strapped journo bums trying to tax our buzz!