Making beautiful coloureds together

Thought Leader has been a mess of racial attacks and counter-attacks lately. As Friedman said, between Eskom and Zuma some of the South African citizens of European descent have been granted a platform, or what they perceive as moral high ground, from which to launch their attacks on all African people and on those who are associated or happy with the country’s relatively new African leadership.

I do agree that all is not perfect. It never is. The government, like any other institution or group in a leadership position, comprises individuals, human individuals. These individuals usually hold the same ideas and goals, but they are individuals nonetheless and will have their own opinions on any issue. The above is acceptable; it is part of democracy and part of what separates us from the animals.

I have been troubled by the utterances and some of the comments on TL, although Riaan has tried to “sensor/filter” it for racist and not racial comment; still, some of the unsavouriness has filtered through. I ain’t no sissy and I know how deeply entrenched racism and racial ideas are in the minds of some pockets of society, both black and white (and Asian), and it comes as no surprise to me. But to hear these racist ideas voiced and, in the case of the Skielik massacre, manifesting themselves in violent action, has given me a new dimension on how deep such racial hatred runs.

I heard a story in the office the other day about a group of “people” who “attacked” patrons and bouncers at a local in one of Durban’s leafy northern suburbs with an array of sports equipment as their weapons, among which baseball bats featured prominently. The first thought that came into my mind was: “Here we go again. Now that I’m done defending Jay-Easy for the time being, I now have to defend a bunch of black okes who attacked a jolly watering hole in a nice, quiet neighbourhood …”

In seconds I had already prepared my defence of my fellow darkies who would most probably be Zulus judging from the pragmatic manner in which they approached the resolution of whatever it is that the misunderstanding was based upon. My well-prepared defence would have gone along the lines that they had been obviously provoked, were probably outnumbered and felt they had to defend themselves against a gang of angry, racist white young men.

I was ready to launch into to it too, but before I could, the white gentleman relaying the story to me said in a low monotone voice that the perpetrators were of “Indian” descent. My reaction to hearing this unexpected punchline? “Oh,” followed by: “What?!” after letting out a sigh and letting those words swirl around in my mind a little.

I was shocked and I suspect that my shock was the reason why the theatrically astute storyteller had so carefully relayed the story to me. He skilfully led me on while he related the story and delivered the punchline perfectly with a bit of pause for maximum shock effect and emphasis.

For lack of a better phrase, I was fazed in my face! A wry grin settled upon his face as he walked away and left me to wallow in my own racism and preconceptions. This is an example of what the constant and unceasing race battle has spawned among the inhabitants of our country.

You were born and grew up in a segregated society. Then, all of a sudden, you were thrown into the melting pot and told that, actually, you were not to refer to your classmates as settlers any more and they should also not refer to you as a kaffir, and everything was OK now. Despite all that, I have still had to defend my own, all my own — hijackers, rapists, thieves, robbers, politicians … all of them — as long as they are black. It has been my responsibility to answer for their actions, whether I agree with them or not. It’s not fair, okes.

But I have a solution to the world’s racism problem and, although it will be hard to convince all the rightwingers, traditionalists and white/black radicals of this, the majority of the population should be OK with it since, well, the majority of people in the world are not zombie racists, right?

My idea is simple. Maybe, I hope, it is just an idea to speed up the evolution of the human species, which has been stagnant in this regard for far too long, if you ask me. I got this brilliant idea from speaking to one of my best buddies during an evening of heavy imbibing of the amber liquids that flow relentlessly from mystery taps in locals all over and which is supplied by the demigods at the breweries.

My friend, a respected opinion maker, social commentator, intellectual, author, satirist, unqualified political analyst and alcoholic, dictated to me, as he often does during his fits of CAD, with high confidence that one day we will all be coloured. Well, not us, but our future generations. His assertion is that one day race will be enough of a non-issue that interracial marriage will be the encouraged norm rather than the rabid perversion of the sanctified unification between a man (of one race/religion) and a woman (of the same race/religion) as it was meant to be (by whom is a question that is still not answered sufficiently whenever I ask it).

Imagine a world with one race that has been created through cross-race procreation over a few centuries. What would a world like this be like? I know that there have been many who have envisioned such a world, but the difference is that those people have had their visions with one superior race in mind, usually white — tall, blond, blue eyes, you know the type. A famous perpetrator of such an ideal was one badly barbered Adolf, or Ed to his friends, who is probably the most famous white supremacist ever. I may be wrong about the “most famous” part because, well, it’s kind of hard to get invites to those white-only jols as a darkie bra.

I’m sure you are thinking what I thought when I first heard this most ludicrous vision by my dear friend. You are thinking that this idea will never work or that maybe people will never cross over into the light side enough to bring about such a mass change in the appearance of the human animal. But after a few more jugs of the amber stuff, the idea started to take hold in my mind and set down roots. It has been with me ever since, growing, and is now ready to blossom.

This is the all-encompassing solution, ladies and gentlemen. The Sumo will be called the father of the new world by writing this piece today. Think about all of the world’s major problems today: exclude disease, global warming, oil squabbles, the world’s energy crisis and the mystery of Steve Hofmeyr’s success and longevity in South African music industry, and focus on all the other major ones. How many of those have a root cause of racism?

I would say a very large majority. Race, especially in this country, is still the main driver for people forming opinion or viewpoints on any issues. Eskom and Bra-J are just a couple of examples of situations that in a non-racial society would have nothing to do with the melanin content of the individuals responsible for them — being related solely to their race.

It is saddening and intriguing, but mostly scary. Because I love my country and humanity so much, I fear for our future if we should continue on this racial, intolerance-fuelled path that we insist on cruisin’ on. No good can come of the current road we have chosen to take, so here I’m suggesting an alternative route — one that may lead us not into Mitchells Plain (please let’s not be childish about this) but maybe to a non-/mono-racial society.

I only say that the end race of our planet — if we all don’t decide to kill each other because we didn’t have electricity at our nice houses in the suburbs to run our jacuzzis on the day of our swingers’ party — will be coloured (for lack of a better word to represent a mix of genes from all the races and inhabitants of the world that would spawn the new race). It would be a gradual process too, so maybe the end race would look more Samoan than anything else — which would be cool because they are beautiful people, but I’m sorry to say not as stunning as the South African coloureds.

When you consider my proposal, you must be sure to empty your mind of all the prejudices that you hold regarding coloured folk. I know at some point I held some of them as well, but the Lord provided me with the task of taking care of a guy from Mitchells Plain for a few years, which has changed all of my misconceptions about his people — I dare say I call him my own brother, when I’m not calling him “Thee Coloured”, as he is well-known in Durban by that name. I’ve also spent some time with his family in the not-so-darkie-friendly Cape and I learnt then how wrong the stereotypes about them are, except the one about the missing front teeth.

On the same evening that my dear friend and I were having this deep discussion on the face of the future of the human race at my local pub, I already coined in my head a phrase that I would use if such a time ever came to pass when people could procreate with whichever race group they chose, and not based on their financial status. I would use this phrase quite liberally in my quest to court non-black females for the purposes of creating a little Sumo sub-clan of the new human race.

In fact, I think I shall start using the phrase immediately both in preparation for the coming change and as a test of its efficacy. For the sake of research, I will bag the chosen non-black young lady immediately, but not for my pleasure. Oh no, The Sumo is not a selfish tub of lard — I will bag her for the good of science. I am willing to martyr myself for the cause of a non-racial human race. So henceforth my standard pick-up regime will, I hope, follow the steps below to a fruitful conclusion:

The Sumo: “Hey, girl, how are you doing?”

Non-Black Un-Expecting Young Lady: “I’m well, big boy, how are you?”

TS: “Good. Hey, tell me, do you wanna make beautiful coloureds with me?”

NBUYL: “What, a chance to be among the pioneers of the new human race?! Of course I want to make beautiful coloureds with you!”

I would then proceed to have my jolly fat way with the said nubile (NBUYL, I thought this was very smart) young lady and proceed to play my part in perpetuating the one integrated race.

In the above case, with the world having one racial demographic, all our problems would be solved, wouldn’t they? Maybe not all of them, but most of them. There would definitely be more compassion in the world, which would lead to less animosity and zero racism, therefore leaving no place for hate or race crimes (which are synonymous to me). The world would be a better place, I think.

But as with any great revolutionary (even pioneering) idea, there are major hurdles:

1. We are dealing with humans here. There will never be enough people to buy into the idea, yet most people claim they are not racist.
2. What happens to race-based religion such as Hinduism and Judaism?
3. What happens to the rich cultures of the people? Would they be willing to give up all that defines their self for the sake of peace and progress?
4. Supremacists will have a huge problem with this. You would hear phrases like “gene-pool tainting” being bandied around.

If this — what many would call an abomination of the human race — ever came into being (which I highly doubt because I’m sure we’ll all kill each before we give this a chance), a corrupt politician would just be that: a corrupt politician, not a corrupt black politician. Eskom would be whack because of its incompetence and poor planning, not because it is run by stupid black people who have unjustly replaced suitable and qualified white people through AA.

I could go on, but I won’t. Many will say this plan is flawed and limited by my ignorance. Many will call me a fat, ignorant coconut bastard, but many will also erect temples, write praise songs in my honour and call me names like Great One. Maybe I’d have to get myself a flowing white robe, grow a beard and take a stab at that whole walking-on-water bit. I joke — no really, I joke — I’m never growing a beard.

This was my attempt to lighten the mood on the otherwise morbid direction in which our country is deemed, by many doomsday prophets, to be heading. When the people who are supposed to engage each other in intellectual discourse on platforms such as the Mail & Guardian‘s Thought Leader are the ones who are too emotional to argue with intellect but rather employ the use of racial attacks to try to get their points across, then maybe, just maybe, we are in more trouble than we thought. I think we should all should just chill … and make beautiful coloureds together.

I rest
The Sumo