Living with the lard

I hate it when “normal” people come up to me and say or do things that suggest that I am, in fact, not fat, that my condition is normal, that I have some mental block that prevents me from completing, or even attempting, the Comrades Marathon.

The mere thought of long-distance running brings on heart palpitations and leaves me a sweaty nervous wreck and then I have to order an extra-large pizza to calm myself down (extra cheese is essential as well). They say things that imply that I can do anything, physical or otherwise, I set my mind to that a person of normal proportion can do. So it is in my head that I can’t complete the 100m stretch in less than 7:35 minutes? Come now!

Forget what you heard; a mirror never lies — fat people know they are fat. I know I’m a larger-than-life individual because my mirror tells me so. Every single morning. When I wake up in the morning, I go to my mirror and I say: “Mirror, mirror on my wall above my bathroom scale, am I fat or am I slim?” The mirror rumbles, burps, giggles and says: “Haven’t we been through this before? You’re fat! Now get over it and have another double cheeseburger, wash it down with a quart of beer and stop asking stupid questions!” I know it alright, I’m obese and it’s terrible! But I try to make the most of it.

As a fat individual, it depends entirely on you how you go about “living with the lard”. You can either become a polite hermit or you can be the nastiest person in the queue at the drivethrough burger joint. Let me let you in on a little bit of insight that I hope will go a long way in helping you understand the different classes of individuals within the fat ranks that you may encounter on a day to day basis. I bet you did not know that there are different types of fatties. Don’t worry, your ignorance does not annoy or alarm me. This is why I, The Sumo, am here. I’m here to educate you, my dear reader. It is all part of your sensitivity training to dispel your unfounded prejudices towards fat people and help you remove any unrealistic expectations from us.

Now, there are roughly three unique groups of fat people in the world, although there may be some spillovers as you may expect. We can be categorised as follows:

1. Old Fat.
2. New Fat.
3. Transitional Fat.

I will now go into each category of fatness and try to give you insight on each in turn in the hope that this will foster a better understanding and renewed sensitivity for all people who may fall into each of these categories, for their needs and character traits are different and you should be alerted to each so that you may act accodingly. Please note: referring to fat people in the office as category one, two or three is just plain childish. Don’t even consider it!

Category one: Old Fat
For example and purely for the purposes of this insightful piece I will use myself as a case study. I fall into the “Old Fat” category. I have no elusions of anorexia, and I’m happy with who I am. I’m not exactly pleased with the way things hang, but I’m happy; I know exactly how to use the fatness to my advantage. Believe it or not, ladies love the fatness; it’s the truth, even though that line might sound like lyrics reminiscent of the late Notorious BIG. If you are able to pout your lips just right and play the sympathy card hard and sincerely enough, you’ll surely get some from the ladies — it’s not rocket science.

Fat = sincere, cute, cuddly, nice = safe = The Sumo scores!!

Work the system, my friend. Work with what you have been given even if you were given just a tad bit too much around the gut; still, work with it.

People in this category are generally OK with themselves. They’ve been the way they are all their lives and it’s all they know. They’ve heard every single fat joke and will offer you the punchline before you even get close to the end of the joke. These are confident individuals, often quick-witted with an armoury of humour that is used to disable enemies and enchant the opposite sex.

Their motto is: I’m fat, I don’t care, I’m big and I am sexy!

Category two: New Fat
Denial is the main problem of people in this category. They do not believe that they are fat. To them the mirror is the tool of the devil himself, sent to Earth and designed to lie and confuse them so that they may think they are fat and become unhappy people. These folk will do whatever it takes to get them out of the fat predicament. They will do absolutely anything. This is the group that is largely, excuse the pun, the target market for weight-loss programmes, binding gym membership contracts and other undesirable activities such as dieting and exercise. I’ve also heard of something called spinning. I haven’t the vaguest idea what it is, but I think it has something to do with attempted weight loss or it might just be a city in England near Reading.

There are even support groups for people in this category. They meet regularly to discuss how horrible being fat is and how it has totally destroyed their lives, and they also discuss ways to change this situation. Then everybody becomes emotional and hugs over by the birdseed, salad and mineral-water station.

Their motto: I’m fat, I’m going to die, help me! (Pitiful!)

Category three: Transitional Fat
This is my favourite bunch. They are well on their way to the lard-laden land of obesity, yet they don’t have any idea. These people are not thin, but they are not of such proportions that it is evident to the whole world that they are fat. Not yet. Their BMI is still hovering in the mid-30s, but this reading is dismissed because: “Well, it doesn’t take into account that I have a large bone structure.” Oh, the horror that is about to befall these individuals when they find out the truth is unthinkable. I, The Sumo, shudder.

You see, fat doesn’t just happen overnight; it sneaks up on you. Much like a thief in the night, it stalks you, watches you and finally, at the most opportune moment, it reveals itself to you, but then it is already too late. You have moved from a category three into a category two and you are at the gym spinning wildly, wondering whatever happened to that wonderful middle-weight that you used to be. You start using less and less water in the bath, because the normal amount you used to fill the bathtub with starts to spill uncharacteristically over all the time. It is called displacement, my friend; learn the word, live with it. It shall now be your constant companion; soon you’ll be down to using only a cupful to take a bath — which is great for energy saving, by the way, and by extension saving the planet.

Their motto: I’m not fat, I’m OK, and I am just big-boned!

The Sumo aims to offer insights; he doesn’t seek to discourage anyone from anything by his utterances. He merely wants for the masses to understand the seemingly simple and obvious things about us that are often felt but never shared.

I rest

The Sumo