John Terry, you absolute plonker!

So now England may be in the market for a new captain.

Since John Terry’s Tiger-esque demise — in the space of one weekend, the entire Soccer World Cup campaign has apparently been jeopardised because Wayne Bridge can’t stand to be in the same room as Terry.

Well, what to do, what to do?

Clearly, the responsibility of the England captaincy is far too heavy to wear without one straying from one’s moral obligations.
Just the other day, it was David Beckham whose marriage was on the rocks.

At least Becks was straying’ in Spain — not that that is a justification — but JT couldn’t help but drive down the road for a bit on the side.

If, as it seems, he resigns before he is axed as captain, then somebody of outstanding moral fibre will have to take on the poisoned chalice.

Then again, I can’t really see what all the fuss is about.

It’s not as if whoever assumes the role will have to be some Terry Butcher figure. Those days are long gone, and the only thing that a captain of England seems better at than his team mates is cocking up.

Let’s recall, shall we, Becks’s sudden inability from the penalty spot once he was the man in charge.

The rugby-style conversion against the Portuguese in Euro 2004 is still amazing to see, not least for the indignant look that Becks gave to the turf.

Perhaps he had just spent too much time with fellow Adidas wonder-boy Jonny Wilkinson, and muddled his theory on what one is supposed to do with a penalty.

It may have been an excellent three points in rugby, but it was Three Lions shot down in football terms.

JT himself had no trouble emulating Becks’s inability on the big stage.

His monumental slip against Manchester United in the Champions League confirmed that he was destined to be England’s tragic hero.
And now we have come to this.

The problem with being captain, aside from the shenanigans, is that everything falls upon your shoulders. Which is probably why it wouldn’t be a good idea to give it to Wayne Rooney.

Heck, carrying United this season has been tough enough. Any more responsibility and he may crumble under the sheer weight of expectation.

Sadly, though, the cupboard is very bare. Rio Ferdinand was next in line, but he is certainly no angel himself. Missed drug tests, handbags at dawn — and not to mention a budding career in showbiz, which leaves little time to spare for things like press conferences.

Steven Gerrard, perhaps?

He is a dab hand at taking spot kicks, so his form in that regard should at least see him through until June. Perhaps Fabio Capello should just surprise us all and pluck a relative outsider.

David James, perhaps? Or maybe Jermain Defoe, since he has already got the knack of missing penalties. Whatever occurs, the English press have already got their scapegoat for the inevitable meltdown in the Soccer World Cup. Arise John Terry, the face that launched a thousand debts.