It's not what you said, it's how you said it

We’ve all heard that line from parents, grandparents and other elders, but what if it actually applies to everything we say? The way we talk about groups of people in some way constructs them in the world around us. It shapes our expectations of people, their abilities, their strengths, and weaknesses. Our understanding of good qualities and bad qualities also comes from the world around us. So it might not be what we’re saying that is essentially offensive, derogatory or disempowering, it might be the way we’ve said it.

For example, if we come from a world that celebrates strength and despises weakness we might be more likely to support strong people and to regard weak people as worthless. Similarly, if we persistently talk about one group (Group A) as strong and one group (Group B) as weak, when we meet a person from Group B who is strong, we will label that person as “Group-A like” and probably see them as the exception to the rule, and when we meet a person from Group A who is weak we will refer to them as “Group-B like” and probably be disappointed in them.

The problem is that our expectations of particular groups are rarely challenged.

Let’s replace Group A with “masculine” and “men” and Group B with “feminine” and “female”.

So in the above example, when we associate the masculine with strength, and masculine with men, and we meet a woman who is feminine but also strong, we might be encouraged to label her “one of the boys”, “the man” or as “having some balls”. She will be regarded as an exception to the rule, rather than an indication that the rule itself is not right. Similarly when we meet a man who is masculine but also weak, we might be encouraged to label him “a sissie” “a big girl” etc. Society doesn’t encourage us to reconsider our ideas of masculinity and femininity, but rather to label one another.

One of the most powerful narratives we have of women, is of women as a victim — a victim of circumstance, a victim of violence, a victim of her own femininity. Women are distanced from their own sexual desire in public discourse, and are essentially seen as “the weaker sex”. This is one of the most disabling narratives we have. When we view a woman who has experienced sexual violence, or is a prostitute, or has experienced domestic abuse, or is poor as a victim rather than a survivor we to talk about her in an extremely limited fashion. We also only allow her access to an extremely limited way of talking about herself, or accessing public space.

One of the most powerful narratives we have of men has been unchallenged for centuries. Men are given the persona of being strong, being heads of households and in possession overwhelming sexual drives and needs. To be a man is seen as being necessarily stronger, and most importantly not feminine. This is a disabling discourse because it limits men to particular behavioural traits, denies them access to particular emotions and requires that they dominate others in order to be seen as a “real man”.

We are at a point where it is essential to reconsider masculinity and femininity in South Africa across all cultures and social groups. It is important to recognise that these understandings were built on problematic social norms, problematic ideas of men and women’s roles in society and the family, and are heteronormative and exclusionary.

We must also explore the ways in which supporting these particular conceptions of masculine and feminine are a part of the cycle of violence in South Africa where with high levels of unemployment it is difficult for the man to be the breadwinner, and where with high levels of HIV and Aids it is not always possible for a man to be strong or sensible for him to be sexually predatory. Similarly our commitment to democracy makes provisions for women to occupy spaces that are outside the domestic realm, that are powerful and power-giving, and are certainly not subservient.

While we work on renegotiating these ideas it is essential that we challenge our leaders at the highest level to reflect on their own behaviour, and how that is indicative of problematic concepts of masculine and feminine.The high levels of violence against women and children in South Africa must be considered as a symptom of a bigger root cause — problematic ways of understanding what it means to be a man and to be a woman.