If you don't know what it means to be a feminist, don't say you're not one

Oh my days. It is entirely frustrating when you represent a cause, only to hear someone say that your cause is irrelevant because they don’t understand what it is. Bev Merriman, you just made me feel very, very ill.

It’s like someone saying they’re going to speed, because so far, speeding hasn’t been bad for them, and nobody who has been speeding has crashed into them, and those who have been crashed into must have been responsible for it themselves, so the idea of speeding as a bad thing must be a mistake. Meanwhile, many of us know (JubJub and DJ Fresh especially) that speeding is dangerous, and harmful to others.

Guess what, so is patriarchy. And whether you deny its existence, and say patriarchy has never hurt you because of your wonderfully liberal family, and say that you think that those who are victims of patriarchy choose to remain victims is irrelevant. The bottom line is that abuse does happen. Many women in South Africa have limited choices because of a lack of education, and the need to feed and clothe their children which unfortunately often trumps their desire not to be abused, beaten, raped or deprived of money.

Let’s talk about the choices you proclaim that we share:

You choose to have a family and a job.

Are all women able to choose this? Most women in South Africa are uneducated, in fact you have more chance of being raped than of getting an education, So how does this choice work? Women are able to choose to get a low paying job so that they can feed their families. What a great choice. Shout it from the rooftops, women are free to make crappy choices.

You choose work over family, or family over work.

Most people, never mind most women, do not get to choose one or the other. This is not upper class white suburbia where daddy or mommy brings home enough cash every month to support a wonderful family, picket fence and second car. This is South Africa, where more and more people live below the poverty line, take taxis to work and live in shacks. How can a mother of children choose not to work in conditions like this?

You choose how you are treated in the workplace.

This is probably the second daftest thing you said in your article. When you enter a situation all you can control is your reaction to it. You cannot control that someone has a desire to treat you badly. Yes, you can report it. But when that person who is treating you badly is your superior, and has the power to fire you, it can be a terrifying and debilitating situation. We don’t all have access to John Grisham-esque lawyers who will think about our case even after they get home. Most of us only have access to state prosecutors who are doing what they can, when they can. So no Bev, you don’t choose how people treat you. They choose that, whether they are male or female.

You choose to acknowledge that extremists and assholes exist.

Now here’s a gem of a statement. “Those damn anti-Semitic Nazis exist. I’ve acknowledged it. It’s all better now.” NO IT ISN’T. A bright dude, called Archbishop Desmond Tutu, said: “If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.” So ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away. If the many thousands of women had ignored the fact that we didn’t have the vote, you’d be sitting at home knitting right now and wouldn’t have the opportunity to speak your mind in your own home, never mind in a public space like this. Sies.

You choose whether to stay in an abusive relationship.

Now this is number one for all the misguided and dangerous things you’ve said. Choice is a complex term. Women in abused relationships make choices every day, and yes, it might involve deciding to stay. Yes, we’d like them to leave their abuser. But, let’s be realistic about choice. It’s complex. And for most people it never only involves their interests and needs. Most women don’t leave their abuser, because of a complex mesh of economic dependency, fear for their future, fear for their children, fear that reporting will mean poverty, homelessness and worse conditions, etc etc. Again, this is not a choice like choosing your favourite ice cream flavour. This is a choice upon which your life might depend. If you think this is easy then you are naive and doing some volunteer work at a shelter might change your mind.

You choose whether and how you will negotiate a relationship (work or business) that works for you and You choose not to be set back by the fact that you are a female or you choose not to practise superiority because you are a male.

You and I both speak from a position of privilege. We have choices about negotiation. Our parents both said that we had the right to choose. What happens when you come from a family that doesn’t think that? What happens when you come from a home where man knows best? Your upbringing influences your ability to see other options, and just because you can Bev, doesn’t mean that everyone can.

In conclusion, feminism is not about female superiority. It is about acknowledging that the context we live in now is not enough. Having a choice between options like abuse or poverty, rape or homelessness, education or motherhood is not a good enough choice for me.

Feminism is not about man bashing — it is about saying that men have a role to play in reshaping masculinity so that it does not devalue femininity or is not required to dominate it. Your feminism, the one that you say you don’t belong to, is a feminism made by men. It is weak, watery and easy to ignore. Your feminism is a range of choices between several bad options.

Your feminism is not my feminism. My feminism goes deeper, tries harder, and is not willing to accept anything but the chance for women to make choices that empower them.