If wishes were (dark) horses

We football fans are an optimistic lot. I would know, being a lifelong Orlando Pirates F.C. fan. I still believe. I always will, too. I will chew my fingers to the bone waiting for that stirring fight back, one hand on the Gold Star above our club badge (eat your hearts out Chief’s supporters), the other on a refreshing beverage, a multitude of prayers (Christian, Sanskrit, Mayan et al) escaping my lips. Even when our young and supposedly, pacey leftbacks are outstripped by, of all people, Shaun Bartlett.

Dear reader, you are at this point welcome to present evidence that such incident was a hallucination on my part and there was no (alleged) defender (un)chasing Bartlett down as he strolled along in the sun with all the gusto and zest of a disillusioned Home Affairs official, really, it will not take much to sway me. It’s a tough life, but, a life we chose nonetheless.

With the previous season of same old, same old just over (well done to Supersport United by the way, consistency and winning when it counts, that is truly the way it is done), I got to thinking about a few things I would like to see happening/ eliminated from our beautiful game next season. In all likelihood, I will be disappointed, so let me hope while I still can. A man must be allowed his delusions after all. No?

Jabu Pule/ Mahlangu/ Shuffle off the tabloid pages
Jabu is possibly the most gifted player of his generation He has/had it all — pace, vision, a masterful first-touch, a work ethic. He was so good you almost forgot he played for Chiefs. No-one will ever forget him making Jomo Sono look like a tactical novice when he single-handedly dismantled Cosmos in the 2001 Coca Cola Cup final. Neither will anyone forget him disappearing off on trysts with (allegedly) underage girls, arriving drunk to practice, having public scuffles, going overseas, doing the same, returning with his tail between his legs, press repeat. This man has had more false dawns than Liverpool (Hey 0.5!). And then he inflicted his “musical album’ on us. Why Jabu? And he is not even 30 yet. Jabu please, for you, for us. Look after yourself and stay off the tabloid pages

SAFA off the tabloid pages
I am all for keeping errant young stars off the tabloids (see above) but that does not mean they should be replaced by their bosses. SAFA are the custodians and administrators of football in SA. What they are not is expected to be in the news for internal spats, (allegedly) dodgy personal deals/commissions, personal scandals, etc. No wonder nothing gets done to develop football in this country, when they are so otherwise engaged.

No players dying in dodgy circumstances/jailed/murdering wives
On a serious note. Let’s cut this out. There’s always a better way, bafowethu.

Goals from strikers
OK maybe that’s asking too much. I am sure Chris Katongo is awaiting a call from SAFA telling him he didn’t really finish as top goalscorer despite only playing half the 2006-07 season. Mind you, he would have won last season too. How about strikers getting the ball on target? Just that. See that 4x2m rectangle at each end? With that bored looking dude wearing different kit from everyone else? Get it within that. Just in that general vicinity. In the 2009-2010 season we’ll work on getting it PAST the goalie. Baby steps boys, baby steps. You have to be born before you can crawl.

Players beating their man. Just the one
Now if I was paid to I don’t know, do nothing but play football, go to gym, eat well and do it in front adoring thousands every weekend, I am sure I could master the exquisite and mysterious art of pushing the ball around a person in front of me, running past him, and picking the ball up on the other side. Surely it’s not too much to ask. I am not expecting Maradona circa 1986 type moves. I may support Pirates but I have a sense of reality and perspective still. Just beat one man say once a game, every game; just the one. Take a bow afterwards for your heroics; it’s OK. You have just graduated into the top 5% of PSL players. You have the ball; he reacts to your move. Someone say upper hand?

Coaches being fired for decent reasons
You hire a coach to win. You hire him to use his judgement and knowledge to mould your spaza shop team into a semi-reasonable useful outfit that wins its home games and competes decently away from home. He doesn’t interfere with running the team; you don’t interfere with team selection, tactics, the washing powder used to wash the kit…. Try it, it may work.

Coaches making sense when discussing tactics
Watch Laduuma, listen to the coaches. Maybe the owners are justified in interfering?

Knowledgeable ‘expert analysis’
Sample quote one: “We have two teams here that are playing”. Sample quote two : “You get a feeling whoever scores a goal here, will win”. Really? You score a goal more than the opposition and you will win? Well blow me over with a feather. Pretty complex this football malarkey isn’t it? Now how about you off my TV screen!

No corruption scandals
Fact one: If you are going to get caught R15 000 won’t keep a person silent for long (maybe a full tank of petrol?) Fact two: Once caught you will be publicly humiliated and kicked out of football. For a long time too. Ask yourself then, is the Inner West Qwa-Qwa Premier’s Cup worth all the trouble? How about you teach your players to dribble, pass, score, empower your coach, pay your players a decent salary and engage your supporters constructively? It’s not so hard. Look at Siwelele.

No age cheats
Chances are if you aren’t good enough to play among your peers, then well, maybe you aren’t good enough. Don’t you think the penny will drop when your son starts high school and you are only 26? Or when you have a voter’s registration barcode on the ID that says you are 14? And when the legs start to get heavy at 29, what are you going to blame it on?

Stadiums that look fit to play on
There is one thing we don’t miss about Bush Bucks being relegated all the way to the Qumbu Inter-Shebeen tournament: the Umtata Independence “Stadium”. Dark days those were. Slaughterhouse it was indeed. For the reputation of local football.