How to Cope in SA politics

1. Do not serve “divorce papers” in public if your intention is to go and shack up with your wife’s twin sister who shares her exact mannerisms.
2. In fact, do not serve papers on anyone until you have a Plan B that is worth all the hype and fuss of leaving home to begin with.
3. Do not mistake people you share an enemy with for people you have the same ambitions with.
4. Time is of the essence. Teething problems happen. Try plan better such that yours don’t happen around elections. It just doesn’t look good.
5. Do not narrow your battle down to an issue that is at best a mid-carder on people’s list of priorities. JZ’s morality may well have been in question but people would rather be fed by an immoral figure than starve under a pious novice with good teeth.
6. Clean-cut, well-spoken gentlemen with halos are all fine and well. Swell in fact if your election is being fought on talk shows and televised debates. But when the battle is at a grassroots level and people want a leader to relate to (see wineland housewives and Helen Zille) pious smooth words can only get you so far.
7. Actually, while we are on this. Have a clear structure please. This faffing around with seven deputy presidents and different leaders for different scenarios doesn’t do much to paint an organisation as anything other than a collection of desperate trough feeders jostling for prime position.
8. Look at prior precedent. Winnie, JZ, Matthews Phosa, Tokyo, Cyril etc. All found themselves out of favour and frozen out of the ANC at some stage. None left and instead fought their way back within the ANC. Oh yes, Holomisa left, but what has come of that after just three elections? As they say in that spectacle of crass humour “Don’t Be a Menace” — MESSAGE!
9. Lynda “who?” Odendaal.
10. Having high-profile defectors throw their lot in with you is good. Letting the masses see you as credible enough to upset the big boys and all that. But letting just anyone in doesn’t say “broad church” so much as “desperately seeking validation”. The names Grindrod and Marais come to mind.
11. If you paint yourself as a BEE Black Diamond club, which is fair enough given the changing dynamics of our society, try pay your bills — or be seen to at least. Unseemly maintenance scraps are one thing, people can brush off personal stuff as being exactly that, but, and give me a minute while I put my serious face on, if you cannot show evidence of running a tight financial ship while having BEE largesse at your disposal, why on earth would I want you running the Treasury?