Can stupidity lead to the presidency?

Most white South Africans (and a logarithmically growing number of ~~coconuts~~ black people) believe that driving through “shady” places such as Soweto or Hillbrow has a 100% predictable outcome; lying in a pool of one’s blood with a bunch of “locals” performing a wild dance around one’s soon-to-be-corpse. That’s why people talk about “driving into Soweto/Hillbrow” versus the normal “driving to Sandton/Bryanston”. You know; the same way you’d “drive into a dark forest”.

So imagine the horror and panic in a few business associates’ eyes when a visiting German gentleman happened to mention casually how he’d been on his way to Sandton around 8pm, got lost and ended up asking for directions from a group of about five young men in a place called “Heel … Heelbrau? How you say?”

“Hillbrow! Oh my god, did you come out OK? Did they just take your stuff and let you go?”

For the record, the “slightly irritated and impatient” young men apparently gave him directions and continued with their game of cards. But that’s not even the point of this post.

How many times have you also taken a particular course of action, oblivious to the dangers inherent in your actions, only to be horrified when all the ways in which you could have been harmed were pointed out to you? How many times have you heard an individual who started a multimillion-rand business say: “When I started out, I had no idea what I was doing. Had I known, I might have been scared off”?

By show of hands, who thinks Bill Gates would still have made the same decisions had his original intentions been to start a multibillion-dollar business back when he was starting out? Or, closer to home, would Tokyo Sexwale have made exactly the same decisions back in the 1970s had his plan all along been to become a billionaire?

I personally think that both Gates and Sexwale would have taken significantly different decisions had they been aiming to get to where they are today. And it is my assertion that those decisions would have led them to very different places than where they have ended up. In short; their ignorant decisions led them to their successes. That’s right; just like our German friend, chilling with Hillbrowrites, their “stupid” decisions led them to success. I call it the “stupid factor” towards success. Hollywood made an entire movie on the phenomenon — Forrest Gump.

I can see the stupid factor of success in every aspect of our lives. For instance, how many professors of economics have an existence that is better than a R400k-per-annum job (with medical aid and a comprehensive housing plan, of course) and the obligatory 2001 second-hand C-class? Yet Bab’ Gwala from KwaMkhizwane owns a 50-strong fleet of buses and has a net worth of R50-million. Who? Where? I do believe that my point has just been made for me.

Newsrooms across the country are filled with intelligent, highly qualified and skilled journalists whose true passion is to write published novels. They went to university, studied for many years, worked for newspapers until they had honed their writing talents to a level that is quite intimidating. Enter a podgy guy with nothing but a bagful of retarded opinions, an unquenchable thirst for fermented vegetables, loud musings about why men have nipples and a dodgy history of spamming friends’ inboxes when he should have been updating spreadsheets at work. Yep, yours truly.

Propelled by the power of the stupid factor, I literally woke up one day and thought to myself that having a book published would be a neat thing to do. This way I would always have a copy of the book in my jacket pocket whenever I went out for drinks with the bunch of savages I hang out with. And then I’d always have impressive things to say” “There’s an argument I advance in my book …” You have no idea how intelligent that sounds in a pub at 2am. And if I was losing an argument against my friend with the squeaky voice and girly name, Linda, I’d be able to say things like: “You’re just regurgitating my book back to me, you idiot.” And he’d have to back down because we all know the equation: book > no book.

So I sommer emailed about four publishing houses with samples of my hallucinations. Two never responded. One responded with an email that I read to mean, “Ha ha ha! You’re a funny idiot. But a delusional idiot nonetheless.” The publishing house that accepted my manuscripts has notoriously low standards. But I have a copy of a book in my pocket as I type this waiting for a friend in this pub. He won’t be starting any debates if he knows what’s good for him. And now, a few months later, my book is selling like hotcakes at a rate of 1,25 copies a week. Good times.

Subsequent to the release of the book I have had conversations with dozens of serious writers — skilled writers who have had insightful articles and brilliant poems published in credible publications. Yet they still speak of that first novel like it’s the Holy Grail. Why? Because they are knowledgeable about the business. They have an acute appreciation for the low percentage of manuscripts that actually make it to print. So they are busy working on the perfect manuscript. Meanwhile, the guy who wrote a book about pissing on a neighbour’s chihuahua sits in pubs irritating his friends about the book he wrote and how that makes him superior. The stupid factor wins again.

Because I’m now such a fervent believer in the stupid factor, I am absolutely going to use it to full advantage. Armed only with confidence from having read hundreds of newspaper articles, my ignorant opinions and the stupid factor, I have been writing commentary around political issues. Most recently I have been mocking the DA, mostly for my own amusement. (No, I refuse to make cheesy jokes about Helen Zille being “M” from the Bond movies in this time of crisis for our outstanding official opposition — despite the uncanny resemblance. Please show some maturity.)

Consider this to be the start of a great political career. Pretty soon my stupid-factor-inspired opinions will start taking the shape of great political theories and political-science professors will start quoting me liberally. The Silwane Files will become mandatory reading in universities across the land. Newspapers will be filled with my quirky, yet incisive, political observations. There is only one conclusion here: the Union Buildings in 2019.

When the time comes, please vote wisely. Vote for the Party of Stupid. To whoever just said, “the ACDP”, please grow up.

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