How not to network

I’m just sitting here cutting out business cards from this old Rice Krispies box. Last night was my first real networking experience at Cape Town’s One ~~of Many~~ & Only. Didn’t go too well. I pitched up at the event carrying a tent and a backpack; sweating profusely after a long walk from the waterfront’s undercover parking (the One & Only has no space for a dusty 125 Yamaha). After unloading most of what I own onto a waiter I looked around me and for a split second felt like Tom Hanks in the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan. I spotted a friend I’ve known for 13 years in the crowd of snappily dressed business people and almost ran towards him. We surveyed the scene from a safe distance: about 100 people stood around making idle chit-chat nibbling on snacks provided by roaming waiters who knew exactly when to interrupt the conversation. Everyone had a name tag and relationships were being forged left, right and centre. It was speed dating in suits. My friend told me he knew two other people there. I told him I knew none. We both agreed networking is a fine art and that some people are just born to do it. Conversation switched to New Year’s Eve and we started to relax with the closest person to us about 10 metres away. Half an hour into the evening he introduced me to one of his two acquaintances who turned out to be someone I knew as well. The three of us moved outside and kuiered for the next hour. It was like Saturday afternoon before the game. Then out of nowhere a networking specialist broke into our circle and introduced himself. Minutes later he called someone else he knew over and introduced her to us. The shit got serious. Business cards started appearing out of nowhere and got exchanged in a flurry of paper and handshakes. We all moved to the auditorium where the MC upped the ante and asked everyone to stand up and introduce themselves to someone they’ve never met. I felt nauseous — the only thing worse than networking is being forced to do it. I managed to squeeze in a handshake to my left and the front and sat right back down where I kept to myself for the next hour as the speaker did his thing. In closing the MC asked that everyone stuck around for another hour and network. I saw my friend across the room with his hand in the air signalling me to join him outside. We got more wine and continued our conversation about New Year’s Eve. An hour later his fiancée joined us and we went to the Big Western to catch the end of the Bafana game. I had five new business cards in my pocket. My own are coming along nicely. You can get about 40 out of a 500g Rice Krispies box.