How do they cope without 'takkies' and 'kak'?

“The Guardian reported that J & Mrs Z ‘had matching white trainers’,” observed Gus Silber, reflecting on the Jacob Zuma marriage saga, “which confused me until I realised they meant shoes”.

Happening across this comment on Twitter, I realised that there are people in the world who do not have access to a word like “takkie”. How do they cope?

Here, in no particular order, is a list of some of my favourite South Africanisms:

As mentioned above, takkie, which has far more personality than either “trainer” or “sneaker”.

Skop, skiet en donner. Fundi and veld have managed to make it into the Oxford English Dictionary, and this one surely belongs in Brewer’s Dictionary of Phrase and Fable. There can surely be no better description of a Jean-Claude Van Damme flick anywhere on this good earth.

Moer. As in. “I’m the moer in” or “I’ll moer you”.

Bakkie. Only the Australians have a word that comes anywhere near to encapsulating the cultural significance of the bakkie. They call them “utes” (short for utility vehicles) and sing rude songs about “rootin’ in the ute”. “Pickup truck”, which is used by the British and Americans, is poncy.

Eish. Very useful when applied to any situation that would otherwise require the use of more traditional Anglo-Saxon terms, especially as it conveys less aggression and can be used in earshot of children.

Bliksem. When used as a verb, and a useful synonym for moer.

Kak. A word which I believe is taking off in the UK. Short, sweet, and descriptive.

Doos. As a rooinek, I grew up blissfully ignorant of the actual meaning of this word, which I took to refer to a common or garden moron. Naturally, when I became aware of its actual meaning, I was more enamoured of it than ever. Though the English “twat” comes close, nothing captures the oafish dofness (see below) of people who are both offensive and stupid.

Poephol is also useful, as is another word beginning with P. If Giles Coren, the famously acerbic food critic, had access to a South African vocabulary, he could be so much more creative in the following Very Rude tweet describing Kevin Pietersen:

“A cunt. An absolute cunt. A monstrous, moustachioed, mimsy-voiced, self-serving South African cunt. Just like I said on Monday. A total cunt.”

Dof. So much more onomatopoeically evocative than “stupid” or “dumb”.

Braai. Obviously. “Barbeque” is just wussy.

Jol or jolling. A word that’s been around for a while, but still merits a place in our lexicon.

Zhoozh. The spelling is a challenge (I always assumed it was juge, pronounced in the French style) but it’s a word I use often to describe something I consider to be stylish and smart. Not strictly South African since it originated on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, but in many respects we’ve made it our own. Certainly, when I’ve used it around non-South Africans, nobody knows what on earth I am on about. The Mansfields used it in the title of their cookbook, substantial piles of which I once saw on sale in a cut-price bookshop in Chatswood in Sydney. Small world.

There are many other wonderful South Africanisms out there, not all of which are not suitable for use in polite company. Which ones could you not do without?