Hosting aliens

By Hansie Smit

What a relief it was to see the UN appointed an official ambassador to take that first call from outer space. Mazlan Othman, a Malaysian astrophysicist, promised to keep her cell phone on 24/7 to make sure we don’t miss the opportunity to host an interstellar kuier. OK, so let’s assume the aliens have manners and call before they drop in — who’s going to stand in the door when they come up the driveway? What will we offer them once they sit down? Will koek en tee do or would they like something stronger like a Radium sandwich? Are they staying for dinner? Are they bringing the kids? Many boxes still need to be ticked here. I don’t think simply appointing someone to take the call is enough preparation. My mom used to bust out her finest china when the dominee came for a visit and he lived up the road. Our big-headed friends (I’m stereotyping here) would have travelled light years to come see us. We need to roll out the red carpet here — pull out all the stops. Emsie Schoeman is a little vague on how to host someone from another solar system, but does say in her book Goeie Maniere en Etiket that “die gaste nooit aan hulself oorgelaat moet word nie”. Roughly translated that means whenever you have aliens over for a party none of them should be left standing alone at any point. Various security reasons come to mind but most important is to engage each of the aliens in intelligent conversation to break the ice and smooth over that uncomfortable period at the start of a social rendezvous. But who is going make the intelligent conversation? Mazlan Othman is already invited because she took the call. Being an astrophysicist I think she’ll hold her own in alien conversation. The rest of the hosts should be a mixed bag of personalities. Obviously President Obama will be there but I’m not sure how effective he’ll be without a teleprompter. He’ll probably drag along representatives from all the G8 countries which is not going to help. You want people who can get the party started and not just hang around the finger foods. Someone like Will Smith — he’ll really work the room and get a vibe going regardless of race, creed or species. You want Jack Black to be at his manic best going around offering everyone Vodka and Red Bull. Paris Hilton bursts through the kitchen door pushing a wheelbarrow filled with Moët & Chandon. Now we’re grooving on a cosmic scale. Lady Gaga walks in wearing a brand new T-bone steak number. Snoop Dogg grabs the mic and welcomes the guests with a rap remake of David Bowie’s Space Oddity. Aliens start dancing on the tables. A funnel does the rounds. The G8 representatives loosen their ties and get their freak on. Die ding ruk mal into the wee hours of the morning until the voice of reason prompts the main alien to call it to a halt. The lights come on and the aliens shuffle around to gather their belongings. Obama sees them off at the door and they walk down the driveway to get on their spaceship hovering in the street. Their ears are still ringing and they’re a little spaced out — humanity showed them one helluva time. But we’re all definitely doing it again — only that time in a galaxy far far away.