Hansie Smit
Hansie Smit

The indomitable sex issue

I think we’ve all more or less figured out sex by now. If publications like Amper Twaalf, It’s Perfectly Normal and general sex education didn’t raise suspicion – late night e.tv movies and plain instinct would have led you to the inevitable conclusion that there is something going on down there.

Why then do lifestyle glossies feel compelled to sexucate us with an issue dedicated to the issue every other month? Is sex really the only issue worth printing issues about?

A quick scan over magazine shelves reveals without a shadow of a doubt abs and sex are by far the only two things on any South African male’s mind. Ladies have a slightly more varied outlook with interests ranging from celebrities to the much broader subject of weight loss but they too seem to be very into all things carnal and how to get better at it. September’s Women’s Health cover is very topically titled the “Solo Issue” but 10 centimetres to the right they caved and have “30 Days of Hot Sex” as a very prominent sub-header. FHM doesn’t give a fuck (or rather they do, intensely) and is running with “Hot Sex Tips” printed larger than the featured babe’s bust. Neither is spoiling us with a full-on sex issue this month but I’m sure a jam-packed edition is imminent — bigger and more helpful than ever, ready to guide us to mind-blowing climaxes we’ve never had, in positions we’ve never heard of.

Sex is important. Without it we wouldn’t be here. Take sex out of the movies and you’re left with the Lion King and Driving Miss Daisy. Sex is top of mind no doubt but is it really worth dedicating an entire lifestyle magazine to? I would like to believe people (men in particular) think about more than sex and abs on a minute-to-minute basis. Besides concentrating on basic motor functions to tie shoe laces, the average man also appreciates talking and reading about topics that stimulate the mind. I met a guy the other day that carried on about philosophy for several sentences thought up entirely on his own.

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I don’t have enough life or style to appreciate the intricacies of sex as described by those who clearly know what they’re talking about. Maybe sex is exactly the right issue to dedicate acres of editorial space to. It makes for great reading there’s no denying that. Fifty Shades of Grey has sold 40 million copies and counting. I’m sure bondage fanatics can’t wait to sink their teeth into the next two instalments Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed. As I write this billions are getting their sex fix, if not on the pages of a magazine or book, most definitely between the sheets, in the copy room or in the parking lot. According to sexpert Jane Blow, when it comes to sex, you have to “break the mould, think outside the box (under the bed cuffs), put a hook in your ceiling and throw their hands up in the air”. It doesn’t hurt to have great abs either. Apparently a great exercise is lying flat on your back with your legs up bringing your head to your chest crunching the rectus abdominis muscle. Wait. Now just hang on one Red Hot Chili Pepper minute. Am I? Is this?

Damnit.

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