Great Sexpectations

Tick tock, tick tock. That sound is the passing of time, and lots of it has passed since the 50s, or at least I had hoped so. The love of my life has been given a job in Johannesburg (a dusty, dirty and angry city) and we currently live in Cape Town (a fresh, clean and relaxed city). This job was too good to resist, and so he took it, leaving me in the difficult situation of decision-making about what to do next. We’re obviously going to stay together relationship wise but the decision is in which city, or whether both are possible.

I’ve got a great job and I’m doing things I believe in, and I love Cape Town and our life here. To me my choice seems difficult. I choose between my happiness and his, not knowing if there is work in the dusty city, or whether I can actually survive the mall culture. If I stay I’ll be lonely and short of my best friend and partner in crime. I didn’t know what to do.

But, when in doubt, phone a friend. So I called my closest best friends, family members and generally chatted about it with people I knew. Their responses knocked me off my feminist broomstick and dropped my jaw to the floor. “When are you going?” “Will you look for work there?” “Well, while he’s financially stable it’s a good time for you to have kids, then you can stay at home with them”, “It’s only for a little while, then you’ll get settled”.

Well good grief everyone — this isn’t the fifties. The common understanding was that I’d just pack up my backpack and move on down there. Never mind my job, my comfort or my choice about where I’d like to live, the common social understanding was that because he was the man and I was the woman, it was my duty to do what he’d like. This completely flummoxed me.

It got me thinking about the stats that say there are so few women executives, directors and leaders in business. Perhaps women are as much to blame for this as men. When a woman who is doing what she loves, and going places calls her friends to tell them news like this and they respond that she should give up everything, they are doing her a disservice. The Beatles were wrong. Love is not all you need in this day and age.

You also need your independence as a woman, economic independence and the ability to make decisions that will benefit you. When your female friends discourage you from doing this, or simply assume that you will do what the man wants they leave you without that ever-important support structure in your life. These sexpectations where a man’s business needs take precedence have got to go if women are going to be successful.

I was really disappointed with my friends and family members who simply thought I would make do. They have made my decision even more difficult because when I talk with them I know they are thinking “She should go with the love of her life” and not “Her job is as important as his”.