Between impotency & bosoms: the other news

Good day! [Director’s note: friendly smile]

Welcome to Insignificant News International, where all the news that should make news, becomes the other news (unlike the furor news of the other woman would make (*wink wink* nudge nudge*) Yes, we know we’ve been away and you’ve missed us, but we’re confident that you’d understand that ever since Santa dropped in on the Middle East and left a wonderful eau de toilette called debris for his cousins, it hasn’t been lucrative to focus on anything else. But because we are Insignificant News International and the invasion has been halted for now, especially since Osama, err — Obama had to be inaugurated, we can go back to focusing on other issues across the world. [Director’s note: wink; winning smile; change of camera angle]

Yes, in other news — last night — like every other night [Director’s note: shift quickly to solemn disposition] 950-million people across the globe went to bed without any supper. Rumour has it that these folk in all probability didn’t have breakfast or lunch either, but what the heck, going to bed without any supper sounds better. In fact, as you probably know, if you are not immune to disaster news, every five seconds a child — meaning pre-teenage delinquency — dies from starvation. Consider that, by the time I complete this insignificant rant, around twenty children will die of hunger. A novelty wouldn’t you say? [Director’s note: raise eyebrows; change camera angle]

In other, other news, across the border in once great Zimbabwe, almost 40 000 people are still infected with cholera. Just to remind our viewers that cholera is an awful disease that surely belongs to 18^th century novels and distasteful Hollywood remakes. But here, in darkest Africa [Director’s note: shake head slowly with displeasure] almost 2 500 deaths have been recorded and, if you passed mathematics in high school [Director’s note: gentle smile and pause), this means that statistically this is quite a shit load — err excuse me — this is err — a great number — comparable to the deaths per day experienced during those twenty-odd days of biblical warfare in the Middle East! [Director’s note: pause; emphasis]. But don’t be alarmed; there is good news if you want to buy a T-shit! Analysts say T-shirts might cost much less the next time you shop at your local sweatshop – err — supermarket — since importing from Zimbabwe means buying textiles for free. Again, rumours abound, but we are convinced these imports are the final nail in the already dead SA clothing and textile sector [Director’s note: emphasis]

In other, other, really other news, Somalia — my weather man says this is somewhere north — a million people are still displaced and roaming around the desert, ever since US backed Ethiopian troops entered the country. Of course, Ethiopian troops recently left the country to train for the next Olympics, but UN officials still reckon that Somalia is suffering probably the worst humanitarian crisis on earth. Of course, if you consider Iraq, Afghanistan, Sudan and the Eastern Cape as your other contestants, Somalia must be the pits [Director’s note: offer a discerned look]

Moving further a field — into Asia and admittedly into somewhat stale brown news (whispers: I don’t know what this is doing here): In Burma or Myanmar — and not your ma se — tyranny and authoritative rule continues to terrorise the local population and non-violent monks continue to be persecuted and mauled. Of course India and China continue to light their lamps with natural gas and so its business as usual. So much for India and China saving the world [Director’s note: pause; roll eyes]

And to round up this bulletin [Director’s note: smile] in other, really other insignificant news, someone drowned in Bangladesh, actually ten drowned, but initial reports indicate that this was unfortunately not their cricket team.

Join us again for news that really doesn’t matter; news that will not change your life.

Find us in any print edition, between men’s impotency ads and Britney Spears’ bosoms.

Goodbye [Director’s note: smile and show teeth]