Don't worry about the zombies

In a time of crisis scientists will rise to the occasion. They will solve our problems. Rescue us from our ills. Whatever the global disaster, the men in white will save us. My faith in geekdom is unquestionable. And when I checked the BBC this morning, it was once again affirmed.

Scientists have now come up with a plan to save us from zombies. No longer need we be scared of an attack from the flesh-eating undead. We have a strategy to beat them. Now some may think this is a folly at the taxpayer’s expense. A waste of time. What are the chances of a zombie apocalypse? Well, if you don’t believe it can happen, there are some very important people who do. Like George Bush — the ex-leader of the free world. He believes that zombies pose a serious threat to the security of the world. In a 2007 press conference, he unequivocally stated they are a danger to us and to our kids. Now I know he may not win any opinion polls but this man was the president of the USA so he must know things that we don’t.

How do the scientists plan on beating the zombies? The plan is simple and unforgiving. First off, we won’t be capturing any of the sons of bitches to try and cure them. No, there will be none of this namby-pamby humanitarian stuff of trying to understand these mo-foes. We have to hit them hard and hit them often. It is imperative that the situation is dealt with quickly before the zombie infection spreads and we are overwhelmed by the walking dead. The only small hiccup in the plan is that Professor Robert Smith?* — the lead scientist on the job — has based his results on the slower moving zombies of the George Romero era rather than the more lethal, fast-paced modern zombie. But by all accounts we are still in with a chance.

Now, zombies are not the only undead to find themselves like rabbits in the headlights of the scientific juggernaut. The nerds have swung their barrels on that blood-sucking scourge of the night — the vampire — blowing a hole right through his existence. A rather smart mathematician, Costas Efthimiou, has proved that statistically it is impossible for vampires to have ever existed. Using the world’s population in 1600 as a starting point, he has figured out that if there was just one vampire back then and he bit one person every month and that person turned into a vampire and bit one person every month, within 2 ½ years there would be no people left to feed on. Remarkable stuff. So if you’ve been stockpiling silver bullets, crucifixes and wooden stakes, you may want to be replacing those with some axes, shotguns and maybe a handy LMG because the only undead we will be dealing with is zombies. If you are unaware of how to kill a zombie, it requires you to decapitate it. Something you can achieve quite easily with a nice tight pattern of #4 shot.

Scientists are not just useful friends in an apocalypse but have their value during peace times too. They have turned their wonderful minds to some of the world’s most important questions. Like how to make the perfect slice of toast. Working on the problem for three months, scientists came up with equation that takes into account factors such as ideal butter and toast temperature plus the ratio of butter to toast thickness. (Apparently the correct amount of butter should be about one-seventeenth the thickness of the bread). Of course, where would the perfect piece of toast be without the perfect cuppa? Left to go cold and stale if it wasn’t for the cleverness of science. Yes, you guess it they have also invented the perfect cup of tea.

Though scientists are marvellous people, they are generally not that sexy. But they have used their brains to get round this. They have discovered a theory that ups their stakes in the game of love. Ugly men produce more sperm. So if there are any ladies out there who want to become a mum, look no further than the geek patrol. Working off this theory, they will be coming bucket-loads (I’m not sure if that is the correct scientific terminology but it’ll do for now).

So there you have it, scientists are virile. Not just of loin but of the mind too. Every day they are coming up with thousands of ways to improve our world, to make our lives better and help protect what we have got. They have the answers to nearly everything from making the perfect Yorkshire pudding to making the perfect movie trailer. And they also have a sense of fun — in 2001 Nasa scientists launched the first disco ball into space. Intergalactic raving will never be same again. Somewhere out there on a distant planet, an alien is dropping his fourth pill and calling for a Vicks rub.

Vicks. Don’t we use that for the common cold? Have we cured that yet? No? Oh well, never mind, there’s always next time.

*That question mark is in his name, don’t ask, any man who saves you from an apocalypse is allowed to be a little weird.