Don't leave voicemail. Just don't

I have a confession to make. I don’t listen to voicemail. Ever. No, wait: that’s an exaggeration, I do listen to it from time to time, usually weeks later, when I’ve long since communicated with you anyway or you’ve given up trying to get hold of me.

I decided to come clean after reading this piece on the decline of the phone call in The New York Times. It includes the observation that the concept of voicemail is becoming ever more antiquated. “Who doesn’t breathe a sigh of relief when there’s no voicemail?” the writer observes, to which I respond, “not me”.

There are all sorts of reasons I don’t do voicemail. For one thing, it’s a schlep. If I see a missed call from you, I’ll call you back. And if you call me on a landline or a blocked number and you expect me to write down your cellphone number so I can call you back – um, no. Not gonna happen.

Often I don’t respond to a call because I am in a meeting and it would be rude and even though it’s also technically quite rude to respond to SMS or email while somebody else is droning on, we do. So a message will get through via written channels when it won’t on voice. When I need to send a message to somebody I know is often in meetings, I use text. It’s easy, direct, conveys what is needed without wasting time on niceties and there’s less room for misunderstanding.

(You know that expression, “broken telephone”, which was also a popular game when I was a child? Well, it’s not called “broken email” or “broken SMS” or, indeed, “broken retweet” — mainly because words tend to be less ambiguous when they’re written than when they’re mumbled by somebody attempting to hold a conversation in a force 10 gale.)

I never leave voicemail if I can help it. Partly it’s because I suffer from stage fright; the moment I hear that little peeeep I am hopelessly tongue-tied. Also, I assume that others are like me and don’t listen to voicemail either, or that it would be quicker to try communicating using another method. SMS might seem terribly 1996, but there’s still a place for it, because it’s so hard to filter out. Email is all very well, but unless your subject header is a compelling one, what are the chances it will get read?

Phoning me is in fact the worst way to get hold of me, unless you are my mother. Why phone when, as suggested above, you can mail me, text me or, if you don’t have my contact details, find me on Facebook or Twitter? Every few months or so there are predictions that Facebook will replace email and I can see why: it’s the White Pages of the digital native. I’m also on WhatsApp, I think, but those messages never come through and I never remember to check them, so best stick with the old favourites.

Funnily enough, the one thing that has prompted me to do things the old-fashioned way and actually talk to people is my car. The Landy comes with Bluetooth so I can talk safely while driving and because it’s an enclosed environment with little background noise, I find it easier to actually make sense of what people are saying. I’ve always had trouble hearing people on my iPhone – let’s face it, the iPhone is great for everything except, well, phoning – and it got to the point where I would refuse point blank to answer if I was in an environment with a decibel level above 3, or the person calling was a known mumbler. Talking while driving also offers the opportunity to multitask, which enhances its appeal.

So I’ll talk to you if I’m in my car. Otherwise, put it in writing. And please, please don’t leave a message.