Loving differently

By Mncedisi Mashigoane

“Liberated” men who subscribe to the feminist and Western notions of gender equality and women’s emancipation have been agonising about the tame reaction to old Jacob’s latest sexual scandal. They have lamented the insincerity of his apology moving for his resignation for sexual indiscretion. They have called for the nation to rise up and support them in grieving for the near silence from the moral pole bearers and the nation at large.

For them the head of the ANC ought to lead by example in the battle for moral regeneration and in the safe-sex campaign against HIV/Aids. The fact that the extra-marital affair with Sonono comes hot on the heels of the rape trial wherein Zuma made controversial statements and damning admissions that forced him to apologise is proof that JZ cannot be trusted not to embarrass the nation ever again before his term ends.

For them the moral high ground that ought to be embodied in the leader of Mandela and Sisulu’s liberation movement cannot be compromised with impunity by a repeat offender nogal. The sound of their drums increasingly fills the air with a scent of holier-than-thou poppies and daisies. Some say they have fallen into the dangerous trap of being judgemental of practices that are alien to their values and beliefs. They even have some news for these intolerants. Ever heard of open relationships or polyamorous affairs? These are love relationships that have slowly been challenging the dominance of the monogamous relationship in mainstream culture by offering an alternative mode of intimate relationship.

Polygamy by its nature can be slotted into this practice and it is fortunately flexible enough to include sex out of wedlock to cover old JayZhie if his spinners would like to register him in the books of this movement. Adherents swear to the powers of polyamorous affairs in combating divorce and jealousy among women. They say it opens up a new world and experience of sharing love and yes it is not for the faint-hearted. Some open-affair practitioners admit using the subculture, for lack of a better word, as a fishing opportunity till they meet their soul mates and then they settle down to happily-ever-after monogamy.

For most though, it involves opening up your monogamous relationship, by invitation of course, to third, fourth or fifth parties to participate as lovers. At the heart of these contracts is the free choice of each participant. Their rules are simple but would be tough for some people I know as they include honesty and use of condoms.

You may find it a disgusting practice that opens up a can of all sizes of worms from diseases to infidelity but in these times of changes and difference I say, hey if it works for them who am I to judge? Not long ago, difference, especially involving sexuality, was frowned upon and sex between black and white was demonised. Now different people and (sub)cultures love and marry differently. Who wants to return to the era of moral policing?

Mncedisi Mashigoane holds an MA in English (UCT) and PGrad Dipl in journalism (Rhodes). He is currently pursuing a PhD in media studies at Wits where he also lectures film and television.