Dear Bob ... about my farm

My relationship with Bob Mugabe has been trundling along for quite a while now — I send him emails, and he never replies. I even invited him to go on holiday with me, and he ignored me. But it all started much earlier, with a couple of brandies one night, when I stumbled across the Zanu-PF website. For weeks I forwarded them all the spam I received, interspersed with personal messages to be forwarded to Bob. This was the first …

ATT: Robert Mugabe

Hi Bob

Just thought I’d let you know how much I admire you for having the guts and principles to take back those ancestral lands and return them to the folk who claim to have lived there all those years ago. I’m sure you’ll pass them on to the right people when you and your friends have finished with them, won’t you?

Whiteys generally don’t appreciate the fact that something your great-great-grandfather’s sixth cousin foolishly swapped for a bottle of brandy 150-years ago still belongs to the people. So what if there aren’t any records of who actually “owned” the farm originally! It’s not your fault he didn’t have a pen! This is Africa, and the land belongs to AFRICANS!

Which takes us to Scotland — whoa! Don’t rush off to commandeer an Air Zimbabwe Boeing! I’m talking figuratively here. My grandparents lived in Scotland until the 1890’s, when they had to leave because the English oppressors wouldn’t allow them to make a decent living. That surely means that I can now lay claim to a chunk of the Highlands as MY ancestral land. I’ve written to the Scottish Parliament but I must say their response was rather brusque. Downright rude in fact.

Then I thought of you — saviour of the people, and world-class recoverer of stolen land.

I believe you have a rather cosy estate in Scotland, and it strikes me that this would suit my needs very well. I can’t play tennis, but I could learn, and the golf course will certainly impress my friends. I’d appreciate it if you’d leave the lights connected — just let me know how much the deposit was and I’ll get a cheque off to you as soon as I can. And please ask one of your lackeys to make sure the Rolls has a full tank.

Love to talk some more but I have to start packing.

Yours affectionately
Gavin Foster

PS. What’s the phone number at the manor? I’d like to make a quick call to introduce myself to my staff.