How the Proteas can overcome their mental block

Journalism allows you the opportunity to see, hear and read a lot of different opinions on how sports teams overcome tough patches to eventually triumph in a manner that would demand an unlimited bar tab at the big game after-party.

So with that in mind and after watching the Proteas surrender to Sri Lanka last Friday in the way a drunk would to a pavement, here are some tips for our cricketers to help address their mental ills (especially when at the crease):

The top order have a pint or two before going out to bat
While cricketers these days are a wee bit weary of putting on the kilograms, some liquid bread would calm any nerves a batsman would have when marching to the crease. Graeme Smith’s ‘technique’ would be smoother, AB de Villiers would leave the ball better (since he wouldn’t be in such a rush) and Jacques Rudolph would actually relax to a degree that he could play the way we know he can. Hashim Amla (the morning calm) and Imran Tahir (nutter) are excluded for reasons of faith but for all intents and purposes, wouldn’t need any liquid encouragement.
Get a puppy for the dressing room
Puppies are awesome. They are cute, furry, adorable and will follow you to hell and back. Who needs friends when you have a chocolate-black Labrador to melt all your anxiety away? It would be the first step to creating a scene reminiscent of a fine morning by a stream where bunnies, buck, hummingbirds (nature’s cocaine birds) and frogs frolic in the waves of said stream … while singing a song with a tune written by Hans Zimmer.
Put a wrestling ring by the nets
Ever seen wrestlers outside of the WWE? They are relaxed, friendly (in the most part if they aren’t on steroids) and enjoy doing what they do. The Proteas sometimes look bogged down, like Morné Morkel (Mr Hands-On-Hips), or like they haven’t been able to go to the toilet for a while. If the team were able to wrestle away their problems, perhaps they can actually enjoy representing their country.
Clone Dale Steyn
While not as complete as New Zealand’s secret project (located most likely in an underground facility under the Eden Park rugby pitch) to create a team of Daniel Vettoris, Steyn has shown more application then most of the top order with a willow in hand. His bowling speaks for itself. Or…
Bottle Dale Steyn’s furious anger
Dale ‘Omega’ Steyn can look like a murderer when he passes the outside edge too often without result. He breaths furious anger, a fire as deep as Mount Doom and as relentless as Kim Kardashian’s quest for publicity and cosmetic surgery. So … bottle it! Like Gummi Bear juice (for people who remember playing outside as part of their childhood), the Proteas would be unstoppable. Jacques Kallis, whose strike rate has steadily risen over the last few years, would bat like Virender Sehwag … with technique.