Our blind adherence to the monogamy ideal poses a health risk

By Rachel Nyaradzo Adams

Some of you may immediately smirk with a resounding no! The more cynical among us though may have already started on the thought process of acknowledging that non-monogamous behaviour within marriages and “serious” relationships is a reality. But we would rather not interrogate the ideal lest we undo a firm system that has kept our belief in love and romance thriving.

It was an interesting coincidence that as I was writing this article, Carte Blanche featured a book titled Sex at Dawn which challenges and in fact argues against the monogamy ideal. In the book, Dr Christopher Ryan argues that monogamy is not in the nature of human sexual behaviour and that the belief that it is has been the cause of numerous suffering in romantic relationships. His argument illustrates the conflicts that “play out at the heart of human sexuality” using biological and social evidence to question monogamy as a social practice.

The purpose of this article however is not to interrogate whether humans are naturally wired to be monogamous or not. It is to interrogate whether our blind social belief that our partners are faithful because they are “different to those other people who cheat”, or have convictions, or love their children and overall love us, is actually the reason why Africans, particularly women in committed relationships, are at increasing risk of being infected with HIV.

The major question for me therefore is: could the socio-cultural and religious insistence that monogamy exists be one of the deterrents to reducing HIV/Aids in Africa? I don’t ask the question flippantly. I have watched or heard of too many women in my neighbourhood, in my family, close friends and acquaintances who either die of HIV/Aids or are at risk of infection, because of their insistence that their husbands were faithful, and loving and different.

The women I speak of are not women who are raped by their husbands, or ones who are forced out of condom use by dominating partners. These women have seemingly healthy marriages; their partners seemingly respect them and are committed to the well-being of their families. Their only fault is that they have fallen trap to the belief that marriage or said commitment from their partners insulates them from infection.

A conversation I would like to see brought into popular parlance therefore is that of the effects of the seemingly softer issue of our sustained belief in monogamy, despite the fact that our social cultures (behaviours, tendencies, norms) continually testify against this belief system. Research by the Global Health Council in African countries such as Uganda, Zambia and Kenya suggests that married women are at a higher risk of infection because of the assumption that marriage offers sexual safety and that their partners are faithful.

I refer to a conversation I had with a relative a while ago. He related to me an instance in which a friend of his was soliciting prostitutes. There was a sustained effort by a number of his relatives to keep this reality away from his wife because preserving the marriage and the family structure was more important than her knowledge of her husband’s misdemeanours. Another woman in a similar circumstance was not as lucky and ended up contracting HIV from her husband.

What was interesting for me was observing the energy that was spent in both situations in trying to convince both women that their husbands were monogamous. In the era of the deadly pandemic that has visited the human race and Africa in particular however, I do wonder if we have to seriously consider the importance of acknowledging that the belief in monogamy, while an admirable and worthy ideal, is getting us in more trouble than we would be willing to admit. This particularly when we throw caution to the wind because of the perceived commitment of our partners.

It’s easy to understand why most people would rather not engage in the conversation. Our relationships are sometimes the most sacred part of our human experience and it is painful and even confusing to come to terms with the fact that the person we love and trust the most could be unfaithful. But let’s face it; the practice of monogamy seems quite lofty when we begin to pay conscious attention to the sexual practices that surround us in our everyday lives.

Think about it, how many men or women do you know who are so convinced that their partner is faithful or suspect that s/he may be cheating but choose to turn a blind eye to this suspicion. Yet everyone around them, including me or you, knows that their partner is making the rounds. Yet the desire to maintain the illusion of monogamy (and quite frankly the fear of being accused of meddling) means that we would rather sweep the issue under the rug instead of potentially saving a friend from a deathly situation. I laugh (and grimace) at the memory of a very loved ex who used to always entertain me with stories of his friends’ wild infidelities while at the same time condemning the selfishness and deviousness of their behaviour. Meanwhile he himself was failing at his seemingly sincere attempt at being monogamous and the discovery took me by painful surprise!

Perhaps our campaigns, by focusing largely on the more technical aspects of transmission (condom use, testing etc), have been limited. Perhaps as African societies, we have the more difficult task of coming to terms with the acceptance that our partners may not be as monogamous as we construct them to be. If more of us would come to that acceptance then not only would we save ourselves from the emotional damage that comes with the experience of being “cheated on” but we may well be saving ourselves from the even deadlier consequence of a deadly infection. Because the truth seems to be that our loved ones are most probably engaged in other sexual relationships whether we would like to believe it or not.

Of course the question of procreation becomes an even more difficult consideration within this conversation but I will not attempt to address it in this article.

Rachel Nyaradzo Adams is an anthropologist and a leadership development practitioner. She is also the founder of CATALYSTS, an organisation created to inspire individuals to dream and to turn their ideas into real projects through intellectual and strategic support. She is a Desmond Tutu Associate and is located in Johannesburg.