Confused youth

You know at times when you go through something, you tend to think that you are the only one going through it, until you talk to someone and discover that you are not. Having gone to what have come to be known as Model C schools, I have always felt as though I don’t quite belong.

I started schooling at a black school and moved to a Model C school when I went into what was then standard 5 (Grade 7). I’ve kind of had a taste of both worlds. Now the reason I say that I’ve always felt as though I do not belong is because whenever I have been around people in the township, I can communicate in the lingo but at the same time I know I am not a kasi girl. So you ringa with amajita and all is good but even then you can ringa for so long then you are bound to say something that has you being labeled as a cheese girl. One will say a word that has you asking what that means and it’s over. You are a cheese girl. That battle is lost. You don’t belong ko kasi, that’s just it. Stop trying.

The same applies to when I am around white people. We communicate and I can chill with them with no issues. The sense of humour is the same. I even get those irritating, “you are not like other black people” comments which might I add, are not cute. Being able to speak like a white person does not in any way make me any less black. Even in these ‘being around white people’ situations, I am still fully aware of the fact that no matter what, I do not belong with white people. At the end of the day, there’s only so much that we can have in common. I can’t exactly converse at length about certain topics.

The only people I ever really feel as though I belong with are other Model C blacks. I feel I am a black person who does not belong with other black people yet does not belong with white people either… now what does that make me? I’m not black enough to be black yet not white enough to be white… Life is just so complicated.