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Con Air: African Escape

We open on SA President Jacob Zuma seeing off Sudan President Omar al-Bashir at Air Force Base Waterkloof. They kiss, but in a friendly way. Al Bashir lifts his robe, boards a plane and takes off.

Murder accused Christopher Panayiotou and Zwelethu Mthethwa run onto the tarmac.

PANAYIOTOU: What about us?

ZUMA: No, not you.

MTHETHWA: Is it because I’m black?

ZUMA: No, it is because you are late. He he he.

Nicolas Cage walks onto the tarmac now getting somewhat crowded.

PANAYIOTOU: Who are you?

NICOLAS CAGE: I’m Nicolas Cage from the ICC.

PANAYIOTOU: The International Cricket Council?

NICOLAS CAGE: No, it’s a court in The Ha … never mind. (Points to the sky) That man has no business being in the air.

MTHETHWA: Is it because he is Arab?

NICOLAS CAGE: No, it is because he is guilty. We’ve been chasing him for ages.

Bashir’s plane circles back, lands, drops off Kate Moss, takes off again.

NICOLAS CAGE: Damnit, there he goes again.

KATE MOSS: Anyone got blow?

NICOLAS CAGE: Ignore her. (Turns to Zuma) We sort of want to know why you let Bashir go.


ZUMA: Aaaauw.


MTHETHWA: He means, “No.”

ZUMA: Aaaaauw.

MTHETHWA: Aaaaauw?

ZUMA: African unity.

MTHETHWA: Oh, AU. (Turns to Nicolas Cage) He did it for African unity.

NICOLAS CAGE: Oh OK, well, in that case, fine. Just, when you see him again, tell him we’re looking for him.

KATE MOSS: Anyone got blow?

Fade to black.

Title up: Con Air: African Escape

Roll credits.


  • Hansie Smit is a self-employed writer. He spends a lot of time in coffee shops tapping into free wi-fi making sure he buys a bran muffin every time to ease the inevitable guilt he feels getting something for free. Hansie received a Diploma in Copywriting from the prestigious AAA School of Advertising in Cape Town. He often picks up spelling mistakes in brand communication taking time out of his day to write to said brand to point it out. He does this free of charge. He's won a Silver Pendoring and almost won a Loerie. For more of his stunning insight and weighted opinion, visit his website at or follow him on Twitter @freehance


  1. Rob Greaves Rob Greaves 18 June 2015

    Oh nice one!! I’d be very careful on rolling the credits as the entire crew (the THINKING masses), have had enough of the infidelity that our so-called leaders have had on this beloved country of ours.

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