We open on SA President Jacob Zuma seeing off Sudan President Omar al-Bashir at Air Force Base Waterkloof. They kiss, but in a friendly way. Al Bashir lifts his robe, boards a plane and takes off.

Murder accused Christopher Panayiotou and Zwelethu Mthethwa run onto the tarmac.

PANAYIOTOU: What about us?

ZUMA: No, not you.

MTHETHWA: Is it because I’m black?

ZUMA: No, it is because you are late. He he he.

Nicolas Cage walks onto the tarmac now getting somewhat crowded.

PANAYIOTOU: Who are you?

NICOLAS CAGE: I’m Nicolas Cage from the ICC.

PANAYIOTOU: The International Cricket Council?

NICOLAS CAGE: No, it’s a court in The Ha … never mind. (Points to the sky) That man has no business being in the air.

MTHETHWA: Is it because he is Arab?

NICOLAS CAGE: No, it is because he is guilty. We’ve been chasing him for ages.

Bashir’s plane circles back, lands, drops off Kate Moss, takes off again.

NICOLAS CAGE: Damnit, there he goes again.

KATE MOSS: Anyone got blow?

NICOLAS CAGE: Ignore her. (Turns to Zuma) We sort of want to know why you let Bashir go.


ZUMA: Aaaauw.


MTHETHWA: He means, “No.”

ZUMA: Aaaaauw.

MTHETHWA: Aaaaauw?

ZUMA: African unity.

MTHETHWA: Oh, AU. (Turns to Nicolas Cage) He did it for African unity.

NICOLAS CAGE: Oh OK, well, in that case, fine. Just, when you see him again, tell him we’re looking for him.

KATE MOSS: Anyone got blow?

Fade to black.

Title up: Con Air: African Escape

Roll credits.


Hansie Smit

Hansie Smit

Hansie Smit is a self-employed writer. He spends a lot of time in coffee shops tapping into free wi-fi making sure he buys a bran muffin every time to ease the inevitable guilt he feels getting something...

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