Chop suey or McDonald's? You decide ...

We learned on Thursday that Standard Bank had sold 20% of its operations to the Chinese. As a customer, my wife is well positioned to take advantage of this — she recently spent some time heaving with the crowds in Bangkok, celebrating Chinese New Year with the 9 048 423,3 Thai people of Chinese descent. (Source: Wikipedia — not sure where the .3 comes in; how could you tell?) I know that had I been there, I would have been running up and down the street urging them not to jump all at once, which explains why I was left at home.

But let me pause to explore this last thought. We’ve all read the Chappies wrapper that says that if every Chinese person in the world jumped off a chair at the same time there would be a major earthquake. Let’s forget for a second the logistics of getting them all in one place carrying a chair (an exercise that would require 1 300 square kilometres of empty land, which is about double the size of Singapore, 1,3-billion chairs, a couple of loudhailers and more than a few packets of sticky rice).

Assume — bizarrely — that you put an ad in the Daily Suppressant and everyone read it and obediently showed up for this daft experiment. The gathered masses get up on to their chairs and wait further instruction (they’re very disciplined). Now the real logistics begin — of a kind that would make even the starchiest matron’s eyes water.

Firstly there’s the matter of mass communication. The loudhailers don’t work, so someone runs off to get some batteries, only they can’t because all of China is closed, so they have to come back for the keys, wasting valuable jumping time. Now they have to decide what to say into the loudhailers. Obviously they need to shout “jump”, but in what language? It could be Mandarin, or any one of seven major dialects. This might cause some confusion. Do they, for example, jump on the first “jump” in Mandarin or do they wait for the “jump” in the Minbei dialect? You can’t have people jumping at different times because that would just look silly and detract from the overall impact of the event.

So you’ve got everyone perched on their wooden chairs like some mammoth Survivor immunity challenge, the old folk are nervous and peeing themselves, the youngsters are all a bit sulky because they weren’t allowed to bring their PlayStations, and a ton of Hello Kitty handbags were confiscated at the entrance, causing dozens of export-junk economically dependent villages to threaten a boycott of the event.

While they’re arguing, 10 454 people die (that’s the hourly death rate for China), so they have to wait for the newly vacant chairs to be removed and the dead bodies to be strapped to their relatives so that they can still count toward the final impact. Eventually, all matters logistical and linguistical are resolved and the order is given. Some people still don’t get it and jump early; others refuse to jump at all, and are labelled dissident and promptly shot.

The resulting effect? The equivalent of 500 tonnes of TNT, or 5% of the power of the explosion over Nagasaki and pretty much the sort of bomb George W might think about dropping before breakfast. Powerful, yes, but given that they are on an arid piece of land in the middle of nowhere, the only injuries are probably going to be as a result of splinter poisoning, a couple of sprained ankles from people who landed funny, and overflowing latrines. Oh, and a temporary halt in the production of the Nike sweatshops, which can’t be altogether a bad thing.

But I digress.

I think there’s something rather great about the Chinese having a stake in one of our banks. They’re a strong, respectful and motivated nation. They’re not imperialist by nature … OK, they have a dodgy human rights record stretching back to the early 14th century when Ming sent the Mongols to go and sit on the steppes, and the Great Wall is, let’s face it, the product of an overly paranoid mind, but they make great food.

Also, there’s been a long relationship between our two countries, and who can deny the bottom line: they have cash. They have more liquidity than just about any nation on Earth, and they are “partner investors” whose culture dictates that they don’t try to dominate in new partnerships. Instead, they work together for the greater good. Without mentioning names, compare this with other nations focused on global dominance (if you produce oil, anyway). They have a tendency to demand that every street corner has a McDonald’s or Starbucks, and every citizen has to watch CNN day in and day out. Not a drop of soy sauce in sight.

I say bring ’em on.