Bring back the caveman

All thanks to one David Beckham, now we can’t even tell the difference between a soccer pitch and a fashion runway. Nowadays, talent and skill are no longer a prerequisite for stardom. All you need is a good hair stylist, and you are sure to grace the back pages (and the gossip pages). It is no wonder the current crop of youngsters fade away like a R10 hair tint job somewhere in the corner of Kerk Street in downtown Jozi.

If you don’t believe me, ask Jabu Mahlangu (Pule). He sported a variety of hairstyles during his stillborn football career. I do not wish to take potshots at him, though. I still believe he is one of the most gifted soccer players to ever play the beautiful game, and a classic example why metrosexuality should be discouraged at all cost on our soccer fields.

One other player I have always been very critical of is the now forgotten Gert Schalkwyk of Kaizer Chiefs (who also happens to be one of my favourites). Very few players in this game are blessed with the ability to change direction with the ball under full control in a split second, and Schalkwyk is one of those. Unfortunately he spent more time on the ground than on his feet. Any slight knock or brush, and Schalkwyk went down. It was playing more for the sympathy of fans than to excite them.

I’m tempted to include one Cristiano Ronaldo alongside Schalkwyk, but I don’t think I’m tough enough (yet) to survive an attack by the blindly loyal Manure fans. Just now I might have to go explain to Fifa why I’m mentioning Ronaldo’s name in the media. Thank God I didn’t mention Real Madrid and Ronaldo in the same sentence.

Back to the subject …

The long and short of it is that I want to see real men on the soccer field, not wimps who fall around like they are under the influence (which is highly possible nowadays). Believe it or not, some of Nigeria’s women soccer players are more “manly” than most of our bunch.

Maybe it’s because I used to idolise this one fellow back in my childhood days called Tornado. Pardon me, because I was about to come up with an adjective to describe this fellow, but then I thought I should perhaps first consult Siyabonga Ntshingila (keep up the good work, bra!).

Just to paint you a picture, though, this guy was like a combination of Absolom “Scara” Thindwa and the late Samuel “Ewie” Khambule (former players of Kaizer Chiefs and Mamelodi Sundowns respectively). I guess the name says it all. You just don’t get a name like “Tornado” for nothing.

Not only was he a “real” man, but Tornado was also versatile. He would take the goalkeeper’s shirt, save a penalty and then go back on the field to do the dirty work. Back then (if anyone remembers), players were allowed to stand in for the goalkeeper just to “save” a penalty, and then go back to their normal position on the field.

Tornado was no softy; he was a workhorse.

It must be said, though, that in the history of football, one man knew precisely when and how to fall, mostly in order to fool the referee. Former Kaizer Chiefs striker Shane McGregor had a skill for falling in the penalty box and, in many cases, earned Chiefs some “questionable” advantages. It worked, as much as it might also explain why the team boast to be the “most successful” in the PSL.

In any case, Bafana Bafana take on Sierra Leone in Freetown this Saturday. I only request that they bring out the caveman in them and leave some of the metrosexual attitude behind right after taking photos at the airport. The West African boys are generally big and strong, and never in a mood for a beauty pageant.