Boys and girls are different!

By Matthew Glogauer

Feminism is old news! We’re supposed to be living in a society where gender equality is well-established and an absolute norm (for the purposes of this article I’m talking about educated, urban SA, mostly in the corporate space). This is the “anything you can do, I can do better” world and time, and although we still keep track of how many female CEOs and senior politicians we have, in the corporate world, even mentioning female and male staff differences is taboo — it’s just not supposed to be a factor — that’s a rule now.

We know that men and women are biologically different, and although we shudder to admit it in the workplace, we make accommodations for this. We’ve supposedly moved from a historically patriarchal society to a far more egalitarian one (somewhat idealistically put I know). We have maternity leave, and flexi-time, and feminine hygiene disposal facilities in our unisex toilets. We encourage a workplace where your sex, sexual orientation, race, age, culture, politics are not supposed to matter. Our government and education is careful to make sure they represent professions and positions as accessible to anyone. Now women can be doctors, nurses, policewomen, receptionists, political leaders, teachers, bosses, moms, priests, rabbis, bus drivers, accountants, lawyers, anything! On a policy and theoretical level we’re preaching gender equality, and pretending that it’s real.

I get why this is necessary and why it’s happened, but I can’t say I agree.

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, believing strongly that men and women are only made different by society and our upbringing. I’m afraid I was wrong. I became a dad recently (maybe 9 months isn’t that recently but in the context of my 34 years, it’s bloody yesterday!). My daughter, Layla, is definitely the smartest, cutest, prettiest, happiest, grumpiest baby in the whole world. But that’s not the point. The point is that girl babies and boy babies are different. Almost from birth!

As soon as they start to sit up and move around, boys have more physical energy relative to girls. They are more adventurous, more aggressive, more … masculine. Girls are more passive and while still very curious, use their voices more, and seem a little cleverer and more composed. It’s not just the pink vs blue babygros — I’m told by people who know (my wife) that boys tend to develop physically faster, and girls verbally. I think that those of you with kids will agree, and for those without kids just wait and see …

From then on we encourage different behaviour in boys and girls, be it consciously or sub-consciously — we speak to them in different tones, we say different things to them, we dress them differently and buy them different toys, and we absolutely reinforce different types of behaviour. Almost everything around them reinforces the societal (and genetic?) norms that in their simplest form are hunter vs gatherer.

And then we get to a point where we start telling our little girls that although they need to be smart and independent, and that they can do whatever they want, they also need to be pretty and feminine — otherwise how will they get a man one day!?! The boys we teach about competition, success, and we ask them to be “men” — to protect their sisters and mothers and families, and to be strong and brave and show as little emotion as possible etc. I’ve even seen the rise of a new colloquial expression — you need to “man up”, meaning take responsibility or be accountable.

The media is also a massive part of the typical images we have of men and women. Our heroes and heroines absolutely reinforce our societal stereotypes — the men and boys want to be an erudite 40-year-old Stallone or Samuel L Jackson. The women and girls want to be Jennifer Aniston in public and Angelina Jolie in private (with the option to be any one of the four Sex in the City characters, or any combination thereof, at a moment’s notice). AND the women want the men to be Jake Gyllenhaal! Our president who has numerous wives and a great many children, for which many vilify him and I suspect many (maybe secretly) admire him. “Remember sweetheart, if you work hard maybe one day you could be the president!”

THEN, when nearing adulthood and starting to think about work and studies, we conveniently decide to chuck all of that stuff away, and start saying men and women are completely equal.

We eventually enter a workplace where no formal or official barriers are in place, and where managers err on the side of caution to ensure they don’t discriminate, and literally live in fear of the e-mail from HR which even contains the words “sexual harassment”. But although the rules are supposedly set, behaviour rarely conforms. There is sexism, sexual tension, sexist comments and sex does influence business decisions like promotions, work allocation etc, whether this is admitted to or not. Male dress code is easy relative to female dress code. How are male colleagues supposed to react when their female colleagues dress proactively — showing some leg and/or cleavage and/or emphasising their derriere? What’s the motivation for dressing to snare a mate when you’re in a place where you’re not supposed to be trying to do that?

The other day (before the event) I heard two female colleagues talking about the Oscars — the great face-off between Avatar (James Cameron) and The Hurt Locker (James Cameron’s ex-wife — what was her name again?) Both women had seen and enjoyed Avatar, and The Hurt Locker hadn’t yet been released in SA. They were both behind Avatar all the way, until they heard that The Hurt Locker was made by Cameron’s ex-wife! Then these educated, empowered, but so obviously stuck under-the-glass-ceiling women switched sides and backed the movie they hadn’t seen, because they wanted a victory for all women, for all ex-wives — a victory for all oppressed women against their male oppressors. The sisters ganged up on a brother because they felt he probably deserved it.

(The subject of the confused thing that is 2010 masculinity and the role of men is a subject for another blog and another day.)

So blah blah blah, what am I saying? I’m saying that despite what the policy manuals say, chicks and okes are different. We’re meant to be different:

“When God made boys, he made them out of string. He had a little over, so he left a little thing (mine is huge though). When God made girls, he made them out of lace. He didn’t have enough, so he left a little space.”

So relax. Chill. Don’t discriminate. And in this challenging and crazy and joyful and frustrating place that is 2010 SA, worry less about being politically correct. Let’s celebrate our differences — they’re not going anywhere …

Please be gentle with me — it’s my first time …

Matt has been working in market research for 10 years, both in SA and abroad. He loves the absurdity of human nature, debate, honesty and bravery, as well as his wife, daughter, and small dog named Dragon.