Beer analysis at work: Some of the finest Boks ever

Those who are regular readers of my blogs know I have quite the penchant for playing selector in my imagination. You know the effects of beer on one’s sense of judgement and superior analysis. Two six-packs and suddenly you know better than everyone. It’s a beautiful thing actually. Best cure for low self-esteem and self-doubt ever invented. But I digress. So with yet another historic chapter written on Bok folklore, here’s my view of the finest warriors to have brought joy and pride to the Bok jerseys over the years since we were allowed to play (officially) with the other “kids” again.

The backs

For a nation of supposed hoof-it-up brawlers and bruisers we have had some special backline players in our recent history. Pity the coaching wasn’t always able to bring out the best of them. Can you imagine Chester and James Small with Timmy Horan or Frank Bunce inside them? (Stop sniggering.) Paulse, Keyser and “Slaptjips” with Pita Alatini or Alama Ieremia putting them into gaps? We really can be our own worst enemies at times.

Fullback

Jouba: Only two contenders here really. Percy has 100 Tests, a World Cup, Tri-Nations and a gazillion points in green and gold. But let’s be frank, who would you want marshalling the line, chasing/fielding up any unders and launching raids into opposition territory if not Jouba? When there’s a long kick into Bok territory in a closely fought Test, who would you rather have fielding it and initiating an attack but Jouba? Percy was a good player who through hard work and immense professionalism worked his way to very good. Jouba was a great from day one. And let’s not get started on that hand.

Right wing

James Small. Tries, committed, controversial and an epic personality. Small was an epic storm of brilliance. JP Pietersen is all calm poise and grace. One is a finishing machine with a huge presence, the other goes about his work quietly, even his lazy upright running style suggests a laid-back persona. But beneath that lies a focussed hard-working, tackling, chasing, scoring and harrying machine. Habana may make all the headlines but it’s JP who does the hard yards in the back three. JP by a short head. And he’s only getting started.

Outside centre

Sorry for the colloquialism but Danie Gerber kills this. He had Pieter Muller’s presence, Jaque Fourie’s steely determination and power with Adi Jacobs’ skill set. “Fleckie” was playing at 12 when he had his best game for the Bokke so he’s ruled out of contention here. Marius Joubert could have been a contender but, alas, he was never on top of his game long enough.

Inside centre

This for me is a toss-up between Dick Muir and Jean de Villiers. There have been many other good No 12s for the Bokke but almost all have had one primary weapon in their arsenal (usually defence, to the detriment of the Bok wings around them) and been average in other aspects. These two though had it all, strong on defence, sharp footballing brains and amazing sleight of hand. Not to mention running lines that would have Antipodean league fanatics wetting their pants in amazement. Jean will go on to be a Bok legend. And I am tempted to call this a tie but Jean edges it slightly. Pity about that World Cup hoodoo.

Left wing

Breyten, Chester and the infuriatingly mercurial “Slaptjips”, all legends you’d pick for most All-Time Green and Gold XVs. But in five short years Habana has set the bar so high for Bok 11s that you really have to re-evaluate the pecking order from scratch. Gee die bal vir Bryan. Says it all really.

Pivot

“Die Lem”. An average of three tries scored and less than one conceded each match he played stand-off for the Bokke speaks for itself. Let’s not get started on the opposition deciding of their own volition not to play his channel, the goal-kicking, the steely eyed hardness and the man’s great humility. Let’s just move along to the next position.

Scrummie

Dave von Hoesslin. Jokes. No offence to the nippy former Shark but his one Bok performance was a master class in what NOT to do against a dominant All Black team. Joost. Name it, he’s done it. Fourie du Preez will make a great hypothetical opponent for him in bar-room chat for years to come. That should be fun. His own CV is quite impressive too. But Joost shone amongst scrummie legends like George Gregan, Justin Marshall and Fabien Galthie. For now Mr Amor takes it.

The loosies

John Robbie said this past weekend that “if you whistle down a mineshaft in SA a world-class loosie pops up”. And that’s all really that needs be said about our wealth of riches in that department. Big, small, nippy, bruising and skilful, we have them all. From thoroughbreds like Bob Skinstad to workhorses like Andre Vos (hey Harry!) if you want it, we got it. So obviously the names below will no doubt create a lot of contention.

Eighth man

Gary Teichmann led the Boks in a (then) record number of Tests and set a Bok record for most consecutive matches played in while at it. He also won our first Tri-Nations and led the Bokke to 17 straight Test victories. All the while being the sort of chap who will forever get free drinks at any bar in any corner of the rugby world. There really is no other choice. What ifs? Well if Skinstad hadn’t (allegedly) driven into that wall …
Special mention to Mark Andrews for the best out-of-position cameo the world has ever seen this side of Ricky Januarie deputising for “The Beast”.

Blindside

In SA, your No 7 is your runner, the big oke who capitalises on go-forward ball in your second and third phases. And again we have had a few talented players in this position like Andre Venter — brave, strong and bloody-minded in the best Afrikaner tradition. Rassie Erasmus played with a 6 on his back but was the runner in his loose trio. Juan Smith was possibly the most impressive loosie in the 2007 World Cup though his form since then has dipped. Big Joe van Niekerk started his career showing all the promise of a future benchmark and AJ Venter never disgraced himself in the jersey either. I do, however, have to go for Andre Venter. Count the yards he gained for the Bokke in tight matches if you are not sure why. Juan Smith could be a contender in a few years if he finds his best form again.

Openside

Corne Krige, Ruben Kruger, Rudolf Straeuli, Andre Vos, Schalk Burger, men you wouldn’t want to see in your sights going into a ruck from the opposing side. Latterly we’ve had Luke Watson and Heinrich Brussow being the equally effective polar opposite of that, smaller men with a low centre of gravity and an amazing ability to sniff out and retrieve leather amongst a pile of bodies while all about them are engaged in titanic physical struggles. Brussow may only have played two Tests thus far but in both of them he came up trumps against the best the British Isles have to offer so he earns his place in the reckoning on that. Schalk is a legend in his time — miscreancy with eye gouging aside — and anyone returning from a near career-ending neck-op to hit rucks and set plays even harder than before is quite simply something special. A special mention to the deadly, quiet and unassuming Ruben Kruger.

Locks

Mark Andrews picks himself. As he did for years for both the Sharks and the Bokke. As with Joost he shone in age of freakish second-row players. How did many current players go toe-to-toe with freaks of nature like the multi-skilled John Eales, the one-man tour de force that was Martin Johnson, the epic Abdel Bennazi and long-limbed ball poachers like Ian Jones and come out with their reputation intact every time? And then there’s the “special” work he did on the wing for the Sharks in lesser matches. Just priceless. Bakkies Botha is unlucky to miss out.

Victor Matfield is another of those legend-in-their-own-time players, not just for that amazing ability to poach line-outs — like he can read the hookers’ minds — but for staying motivated even after winning absolutely everything there is to win in his career. As a friend of mine likes to say, had he won the World Cup in 2007, he’d be still in France to this day, dressed in his kit and soliciting free beers from passers-by in exchange for tales of his on-field exploits. Matfield seemed to be headed that route, then changed his mind, came back and reached the Currie Cup final, won the Super 14 again and now he has beaten the Lions to cap off his CV. A true Bok legend.

The front row

Tighthead

A recurring Achilles’ heel for SA rugby this. Especially after the retirement of the Balie Swart generation. There’ve been some handy ones over the years but no real legends. Well Cobus Visagie aside that is. A quiet thoughtful man, no-one was more in his element in the scrum than he. He simply lived for it. Sure there have been promising tightheads since, BJ Botha and CJ van der Linde spring to mind, but they haven’t stayed long enough to live up to their full potential and be counted among the greats. Cobus survived stern Tests on and off the field and came back stronger each time. He deserves the slot. Special mention to that man monster Richard Bands. Richie McCaw is still convinced it’s an elephant that charged and knocked him out cold that fine evening at Loftus while Carlos Spencer never threw as fine a dummy as that you sold him that beautiful evening in 2003.

Hooker

“Bullet”, Uli, Lukas van Biljon. Brutes of men whose way you would do well to stay well clear of if they came at you ball in hand. Even if it was in your hand. Pity Van Biljon’s early promise fizzled out as it did. SA would have been blessed to have him and John Smit competing for the jumper for many a year and he was a favourite of mine. Gary Botha probably should have had more opportunities to try his hand. John Smit towers above them all. Probably the best rounded hooker in world rugby of his day. And doesn’t even play there full-time any more. I could go on about the whys and hows, but come on, we all know.

Did I mention he is a pretty handy skipper too? Did I? Oh.

Loosehead

Born Jacobus Petrus du Randt, but known in scrums, rucks, mauls and rugby venues the world over by one moniker — “Os”. Bar a short spell in 2000-2003, his name was a byword for loosehead play the world over. Never went back in the scrum, an extra loosie in the tight-loose and the picture of commitment in all he did, not to mention the occasional deft kick upfield — see Dunedin 1999. Won the World Cup at 21, the Tri-Nations a few years later. Retired after practically wearing out his knees in 2000. Then in late 2003, when everyone thought it was a joke that would end badly, he came back. And did it all again. And topped it up with a Currie Cup for his beloved Vrystaat too. Pity about that second Young Farmer of the Year Award “Os”. Time catches up with all of us, but bladdy hell “Die Os” gave it a goeie skrik. “The Beast” looks to be shaping up to fill that mantle, but he has to do it consistently for 10 years or so before we can start drawing serious comparison. That is how legendary “Os” was.

So ja, that’s it. My best XV since re-admission. Players I feel swak leaving out? Uli, Bullet, Rassie, Bob, Fourie du Preez, Bakkies, Chester and the towering Krynauw Otto.

Oh ja, as for the coach — Nick Mallett. Won everywhere and won well. Pity about that Bob Skinstad brain-fade in 1999.

Team manager — Zola Yeye. Sorry it’s just funny.