Bafana Bafana - World Cup Glory in four easy steps

Our national football team, Bafana Bafana, have always taken great pride in humiliating their long suffering fans, with this past Saturday’s performance proving to be no exception. In losing to Sierra Leone, a country comprising of 253 people, 14 dogs and a large tree stump, Bafana merely upheld a tradition of limp performances when playing away from home, and now face the very real prospect of failing to qualify for the 2010 African Cup of Nations.

Apparently it will be held in the mud pit that is Angola, so one might understand why they’re not trying their outmost, but South Africans are a proud bunch, and we as a people demand better results. Obviously a radical overhaul is needed, although the whole nationalising of the soccer squad is an absurd idea. The thought of 30 athletes spending weeks together in a camp sounds a bit too much like the infamous Kamp Staaldraad, and we have only just gotten over the horrible image of dirty naked men huddled together in a dark pit.

I would thus propose the following four point plan, no less radical, but a plan which would guarantee results if implemented to the letter:

Get a money man
Sure, SAFA and the PSL are rolling in dough, following all the lucrative sponsorships received, but too much of it seems to be tied up in bureaucratic red tape, soccer development and lekgotla lunches. No, we need someone with deep pockets, who won’t think twice about spending millions on the latest cones, soccer balls and training bibs on our boys in yellow. Let’s get Tokyo Sexwale on board, we can whore out the front of the Bafana jersey in exchange for a shiny Mvelaphanda logo and a large blank cheque.

Cheers Santana
Yes, we’ve only just hired Joel Santana, but he seems as tactically astute as a dry piece of toast, and he wears grey shoes for God’s sake! Now that we have Tokyo bankrolling us, let’s try and pry away a big name manager from the Euro Championships currently underway. Anyone for Marco van Basten?

Lose the carrot, fetch the stick
Our players seem to have lost the fear of losing, which shows in their lacklustre performances. Let’s instil that fear in them again, the kind of fear that keeps them up at night, and makes them think twice before sneaking out of the team hotel. The horrid karaoke singer that is Josh Groban will be performing in South Africa soon, let’s threaten the players with Golden Circle tickets if results do not improve, and then see the change in attitude.

Bring in some new boys
It’s quite obvious that our players are a bit lightweight in comparison to our African neighbours. Let’s think outside the box and bring in some big rugby beef to bolster our team. Schalk Burger and Bakkies Botha would be ideal as burly centre backs, and would literally kick lumps out of anyone who dare come near the penalty box. Let’s face it — Bafana were at their best when they had a couple of tall whities at the back, some tricky blacks in the midfield, and a temperamental coloured to finish off the moves. In this regard I would get hold of Jabu Pule / Mahlangu / Whatever he is calling himself these days, as he is the trickiest guy we have. I would also give Benni McCarthy another call, as there are very few temperamental guys who can finish a move like he can.

It’s crunch time with the World Cup just two years away, so let’s get the ball rolling now gentlemen. To the guys at SAFA, if you’re reading this, you know where to find me.