Aussie political scandals: at least as entertaining as South African ones

In the annals of memorable quotations uttered by politicians, “Look at this, I’m tittie-f..king your mother!” must rank up there with “Read my lips, no new taxes” and “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”.

This was the statement uttered by New South Wales politician Matt Brown, according to a witness quoted in today’s edition of the Australian. Brown has denied saying it, just as he has denied simulating sex with Wollongong MP Noreen Hay. He has, however, admitted dancing drunkenly in his underpants after a late session of Parliament on budget night about three months ago.

Brown was until very recently the police minister of New South Wales. “I am human,” he said, by way of explanation. “I made a mistake, and I’m going to cop the consequences of that mistake.” Indeed, office workers everywhere battle every day to stave off the temptation to disrobe in front of colleagues and cavort on the furniture.

Whether or not the allegations about the simulated sex act are true is unclear; pictures of Ms Hay in the papers suggest that she is Not That Sort of Woman.

I arrived in Australia convinced that the land down under would offer little to compare with Manto or Jacob Zuma, Julius Malema or Truman Prince. But I may be wrong, because Aussie politics has proven consistently entertaining. There’s Troy Buswell, the chair-sniffing former leader of the West Australian Liberals; Belinda Neal, the Labor MP who told a pregnant Liberal counterpart that she would give birth to a demon if she had evil thoughts, and who dominated headlines in June after an incident at a local restaurant; and eccentric and much-disliked former NSW treasurer Michael Costa, who failed in his bid to sell of the state’s electricity assets and is open about his manic depression. Not to mention NSW health minister Reba Meagher, who forgot about her official chauffeur and left the man waiting all night for her while she partied with a new boyfriend, or convicted kiddy-fiddler Milton Orkopoulos, who pleaded guilty to smoking dagga with a teenage boy in NSW Parliament House in 2005.

Clearly, Aussie politicians are just as capable of bad behaviour as the South African variety. Still, there is an important difference. After the revelations about Brown were leaked to the press, he was fired by the new NSW Premier, Nathan Rees; Meagher and Costa had already been dumped from the state Cabinet less than a week before. (Meagher, who knew she was going to be dumped, reportedly told then premier Morris Iemma that he was “weak as piss”.) With a few notable exceptions, South African politicians never get fired, no matter how venal or corrupt or useless they are.

Still, lest the proponents of the South Africa-bad Australia-good theory of life, the universe and everything are too encouraged, it’s worth pointing out that Rees has risen quickly in a remarkably short space of time — and that one of his previous jobs was chief of staff to Milton Orkopoulos. While that may be neither here nor there, Rees’s ability to avoid any taint is remarkable.

It’s unlikely, though, that the honeymoon will last. Already, reports of Rees’s quick temper and soaring ambition are appearing. How long will it take before he is as unpopular as his predecessor, Iemma, who was the favourite subject of aggrieved writers to the papers, week after week? I can’t wait to see what happens next.