And in other news ... ANCYL overthrows SA defence force

In a surprise, swift coup, the freshly appointed Brigadier General Julius Malema and his senior cohorts replaced all the military generals in Pretoria and elsewhere and are now offering a “final solution” to the predicament South Africa is in. A junior spokesman for the old ANCYL said the coup de’tat was “so easy”, because “our beloved president Jacob Zuma unleashed our equally beloved Brigadier General Malema, when he said to the world: “If we stop Malema you would say that apartheid has come back”, and of course … we cannot have a return to any form of apartheid. We must move onward, upward, and stabilize the region”.

The ANCYL has replaced most SANDF personnel in the infantry, signals and tank corps with immediate effect. Reliable sources say the ANC youth’s military training has been under way for the last two or three weeks and they now feel completely ready to defend SA’s borders and “die for President Zuma and Brigadier General Malema”, a junior spokesman said. The ANCYL youth are still concerned about their packages and feel they should be paid more, including a tax-free thirteenth cheque and the open-ended choice of a very early retirement package option that should include a BMW of their choice and the colour of their preference.

Yesterday a door-to-door search throughout SA for ANC dissidents in South Africa commenced. “We will still allow Afrikaners committed to their volk identity to stay. They can still observe the Day of the Covenant on the 16th of December in selected areas, have braais and so on. But we will encourage them to consider other choices such as New Zealand and Australia where many of their kind are now living. Perhaps they can form a volkstaat in one of those countries,” the junior spokesman for the ANCYL said encouragingly.

“How do you establish, in your door-to-door searches, that the people are not lying about their loyalty to the ANC?” our senior reporter asked. “That’s easy. When we go inside the home we ask for a cup of tea or coffee. If it comes served in a paper cup and not a real cup then we know they are still racist and not committed to the ANC party doctrine as they will not share their real china cups. Our other methods are of course classified information.”

People in Johannesburg, Pretoria and Durban were seen running in the streets and hiding in the parks, refusing to be interrogated by the new members of the SANDF. Utter pandemonium is setting in. “People need not worry,” another junior spokesman said, “this ‘cleansing time’ will be over swiftly and very peacefully”.

Georgia invaded by Russians again
A few days ago citizens of the beleaguered nation of Georgia were in complete panic as the Russians had once more invaded their country. Georgians fled into the streets, trying to find shelter. The mobile network failed due to the overload of fraught phone calls and SMS’s. The terror of the invasion pervaded people so much that reliable reports say one woman had a heart attack and died and another pregnant woman lost her child. Children have been hospitalised due to nervous breakdowns. Russian troops still continue to occupy renegade Abkhazia and South Ossetia.

Kiwis destroy one million dollars of government property and go free
A New Zealand trial accusing a trio of extremists of entering a military base in South Island of trespassing on restricted government property, burglary and vandalising a satellite dish resulting in one million dollars NZ damage (over R5-million) have been found not guilty by a sympathetic jury. The co-accused pleaded that the spy base was used by the USA “due to their middle east preoccupations and other concerns” and that they had prevented the deaths of many, many Iraqis as a result of their pacifist actions. They believed their actions would cause an end to untold suffering, and “that belief does not have to be correct”, said their lawyer, Michael Knowles. One of the trio is a Catholic priest. Ignorance of the law was regarded as irrelevant to the proceedings.

USA security expert has said that the activists had “committed an act akin to protecting al-Qaeda and the Taliban”. This has fallen on deaf ears. Further, of course the “claim of right” appeal of the activists has set up a precedent to destroy anything that may be of harm to human beings, including diesel emissions from engines, factories, tree-felling industries. … The list is endless and could usher in a form of “greywash” terrorism. Let’s see how this goes down in Kiwi-land as the precedent for a “claim or right” appeal for wholesale destruction by fanaticshas been clearly set. I mean, just take a look at those three yahoos in the links above. They look glassy-eyed, fanatical and dangerous, especially the one on the right.

In defence of the USA and her world domination, a well-known Kiwi columnist for the New Zealand Herald, Paul Holmes, wrote in a compelling argument* : “The United States does kill a few people, it has to be said, but I think we can genuinely say that it does so unwittingly and only when it feels its security is threatened”.

And now over to our sponsors, which will be followed by the weather report …

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We don’t seem to need April Fool’s day anymore. I thought I would get mine in a week in advance as everyone expects them on April 1st anyway. Readers, I am sure, can quickly figure out which story above is a recent hoax, which a bizarre jump through the fair application of the law and which is not even true as a hoax. The point is none are less weird or potentially shocking than the others. And all are perfectly feasible, have become realistic, and could be done, or done again. look at the very real, terrified reaction of the Georgians, the blinkered complacency of the Kiwi jury and the way president-elect Malema et al are allowed to carry on and on… remember the British Carry On movies?

* The author of this blog does not necessarily share the same views as others quoted here. He actually feels kiwi columnist Paul Holmes is due for one of his prestigious Abecedarian Ignoranus™ awards (spelling intended).