ANCYL and the tale of the fabled small print

* Not for sale to persons under the age of 18 *

There has never been a more redundant piece of small print than the one stated above and which forms a neglected part of the artwork panels for labels of alcoholic beverages in marketing-agency work-boards the country over.

Now, obviously bored, the ANCYL leadership — seeking to rescue their rather shaky perceived morality and public image as the representatives of the youth arm of the African National Congress — have hopped on the youth alcohol-abuse bandwagon as their chosen cause, which they hope will lift them up from the pits of social reform non-existence and mediocrity.

The onslaught on the one beverage that produces happiness as the only result of consuming it responsibly started a few months ago when the ANCYL announced that the sale and advertising of alcohol should be banned on Sundays. “Why does this esteemed organisation have a problem with the sale and advertising of happy beverages only on Sunday?” was my first question. Of course, I did not have a representative of this high-moral-standing organisation available to answer it.

I agree that I could have picked up the phone and asked the Telkom directory service for the ANCYL head-office number to get clarity on the matter, but it was a Sunday and I was too inebriated to remember the number for the directory service. So, I was left in a bewildered state about the choice of social cause picked by the powers that be at the ANCYL. They were probably too busy campaigning for the upcoming leadership elections anyway to pick up the phone and speak to a compromised Sumo.

The necessity of such an attack on the amber nectar of the gods, among other alcoholic beverages that are mostly reserved for the uninformed and individuality-bankrupt, is unfounded, in my humble opinion. Why now, after all this time, does the ANCYL believe that alcohol is the scourge of our society and its sale on Sundays is almost blasphemous and should be ceased immediately?

Well, I may offer an answer, however incorrect it may be. You see, the ANCYL or the Anti-Alcohol-Enjoyment League (AAEL), like any other organisation, has to be active and in the public eye to stay relevant. I have often wondered what the purpose of such an organisation is and whether it is indeed alive and active — or whether it merely operates like a shadow company that is commonly used by evil, white-collar crime-doers to launder and defraud the country of much-needed tax revenue which could be better used to fund the aged and teenage mothers so that all may enjoy a few beers here and there.

Could it be that until now the ANCYL has been an organisation used by certain factions (which do not exist, according to the ANC’s official line) in the mother party to launder ideas and policy that will affect the ANC’s decisions on policy and general running of the party and its chosen leadership on behalf of a non-existent youth structure?

I am assured by those in the know that the ANCYL is actually an operational arm of the mother party and is alive and kicking with a vast membership that is always involved in trying to raise the profile of issues facing the youth and discussing how best to tackle such matters.

You have to dig deep, however, to find any relevance of the operational capability of the ANCYL. It is not as in-your-face as you would expect the offspring organisation of the ruling party to be. Well, not until it started messing with beer buying — and, ultimately, consumption — on Sundays, anyway.

It must have been at one of the many probably unnecessary conferences that they must surely hold that the ANCYL membership was commissioned to come up with a strategy to raise the profile of the organisation, and this is where I suspect that some bright spark, probably suffering from an acute alcohol allergy, came up with the idea to stop the sale of alcohol on Sundays.

The sorry sod was probably going for a complete and utter ban on all alcohol sales, forever, but must have been promptly reprimanded by other comrades who surely must enjoy the more than odd drink or 37. A compromise agenda was raised, seconded and adopted, in a democratic and diplomatic manner that involved everyone, to ban the sale of alcohol on the Christian holy day only.

I have never heard of a more futile exercise in my entire life. It was almost as futile as telling our esteemed and very dear bourbon-guzzling minister to stop drinking because, well, if she didn’t, it could end her dear life. Stopping the sale of alcohol on Sundays is as futile as using a sieve to strain E coli from KwaZulu-Natal’s river water. It is never going to stop the (ab)use of alcohol on Sundays or on any other day.

Am I the only one who is worried about the choice of day that our future leaders want to use to stem the evil, amber tsunami? Sunday is a religious day for Christians and I am guessing that this means that the ANCYL, like the government, mostly only really recognises Christianity as the only valid religion with a holy day sacred enough to be protected from being defiled by tipsy, slurry-speeched, blurry-visioned, truth-speaking, infinitely handsome, all-knowing, prophesying and invincible members of society and social commentators like your beloved Sumo.

And all this when J-Easy’s first miracle was the whole wine party trick — I believe his words were something to the effect of “Let the party rock on!” as he turned that H2O into H2Goodtimes. And when taking Holy Communion entails taking a sip or gulp of the blood of the Lamb, depending on how dope the club was the previous night, it surely makes one wonder about the wisdom of outlawing the use of alcohol on Sundays.

What are the churches going to do — sip on some non-alcoholic wine because the real stuff has been outlawed for use on Sunday? Church attendance numbers are going to drop drastically, dudes, and that will be to the detriment of this utopian no-alcoholic-joy-on-Sunday society of sober, angry people you will inadvertently develop.

Do these dudes realise what catastrophe they are bringing upon us all with this misguided move? Effectively, what the ANCYL, in its infinite wisdom, is trying to do is to bring Monday forward a day. This means that, effectively, all that general miffness that your employer allows you on Monday — like the hangover and all that is associated with it, the swearing-off of alcohol, the rewriting of your will because you believe that you are actually going to die, the calling of all your old girlfriends and apologising to them for cheating — shall all now be brought upon Sunday. I do not think that all of this is going to contribute positively to the general holiness of Sundays.

Mondays are the spawn of the devil and Sundays are the creation of God — my father relayed to me that fairytale; please do not kill it for me. I have already lost His Fatness the Claus, and now you are wrestling the fairytale of Sunday away from me too. I would implore you to tackle teenage pregnancy instead.

On a serious note, though, and for a change, in “Raising a generation of substance abusers“, a piece I wrote a few months ago, I showed my concern for the drug and alcohol abuse that is rife in our society among the youth and strongly urged all of us to take action against such abuse.

It seems that the ANCYL heard me and is now taking action to regress such abuse, but I am sad to say that it is going about it in a very wrong way. If I may not buy my customary half-a-dozen on Sundays legally (“cannot” and “may not” are very different terms), I shall be very displeased and I will display my displeasure by refraining from writing pieces that encourage nation building and social reform.

It is encouraging to see that the ANCYL for once is engaging in a cause that it deems worthwhile, one that can have popular appeal and support. Well, it is pleasing to see that the league is doing something at all, but I wonder if there aren’t better, more urgent matters that it, as an organisation, can tackle that will help expedite the reform of our youth and set them on a path of emancipation so that they may one day become positively contributing members of society.

One good cause that has entered my mind is that of teenage pregnancy, which is rife in our schools. I believe that the ANCYL should spend more time distributing condoms and teaching the youth about birth control than shutting down taverns for business on the holy day.

Encouraging fat kids to take part in sport is also another good cause on which the league can embark. Yes, a nationwide weight-loss campaign is just what the good doctor ordered. You see, such a move would mean that the ANCYL would be deemed as conscious of the matters that trouble our youth, like not getting laid because of being overweight, and it would help build a slim, sleek workforce ready to contribute to the economy.

I do not know why the youth league chose alcohol as a cause. The reasons are beyond me, but one is not to question the intentions of the league; one is to do and die … on a Sunday, sober. And the tale of the fabled small print that warns all not to sell these beverages to the youth continues.

I rest
The Sumo