A pilot sports post: First, full disclosure

Warning: This post might offend.

I have been thinking about submitting the occasional contribution to Sports Leader, but always feared that I might make very many people very woes. Seriously, I have very strange politics when it comes to sport. It’s a bit like my relationship with cars; I hate them but I love driving. In the meantime, I will slip this into Thought Leader as a sort of pilot project while the editor is not watching. (Okay, I made up that last bit) Before I get serious, let me start with full disclosure (and set the proverbial cat among the pigeons).

I consider myself insufficiently tribal; I don’t perpetuate an ethnic, national or religious identity and could, therefore, not be arsed over victories or defeats and, well, I am not patriotic (Okay, okay, more about this at another time!) I do have favourite sports teams, though; there are also teams for which I have a soft spot and others that I never support – ever. Let me then run through my list of disclosures, starting with the beautiful game.

I support Leeds United in England, Orlando Pirates, Juventus in Italy, Ajax in Holland, Freiburg in Germany and the Chicago Fire – the latter of which I have never seen play and don’t expect to any time soon. There are actually interesting reasons why I support these teams, but that is for another post. In continuance: St-Totteringham’s Day is one of my favourite religious holidays. I dislike Manchester United intensely, but would never bet against them winning. Before people in the Bangsar or in Ulan Bator get their knickers in a knot (of course any respectable Mancunian supports Citeh) my dislike has NOTHING to do with their recent successes. It goes back a long time. I can say, however, without fear of constipation (should that be contradiction?), that some of the players Alex Ferguson (he of the Purple Corpuscles) have brought through the ranks in the last 20 years have been quite exceptional. There were, for instance, Eric Cantona, Ruud van Nistelrooy, Gingerbread Scholes and, of course, Ryan Giggs, who was the ONLY reason why there ought to have been a Great Britain team in the World Cup in the 1990s and in 2002.

I have a soft spot for Derby County, ‘cause a mate of mine is a fan; also for Liverpool, ‘cause of another mate and because I really felt part of something special each time I have been to Anfield; two Special Brews to the good and pie-hole stuffed with a chip butty, or chip barm as it is called down the Anfield Road. And then, in solidarity with my bruv Chris I am an honorary Gooner, ‘cause they’re worth it, because they have some great African youngsters on the team, because Denis Bergkamp was a genius, because Theirry Henry used to make defenders look stapled to the ground and because I want Cesc Fabregas’s babies (Did I say that out aloud?).

Newcastle Comedy Club is my favourite team for a larf. Aston Villa are, ehm … What? I can see no reason for Middlesboro; where is it anyway? I like Fulham because I can always get a ticket to their home games. Sparky looks like the wit ou from Juluka. I don’t have a problem with Chel$ki Petrodollars, just with the odious nature of their acquisition of wealth. Odious Debt is, actually, a legal concept. Seriously. In my heart, I know I would have been a Hammers fan if I were born in a working class family in the East End. As it goes I’m a bushie from Eldos. Anyway, on to rugby.

With some effort I could probably support Western Province (Ahh, die Nieweland); I supported them when I was a laaitie and didn’t know any better. Then, of course, I started to play rugby and heard about Kwaru and Saru – eish! In the international game I support the All Blacks, but never bet on them to win anything. In England I support Northampton, and my all-time favourite rugby player is probably one of Bryan Williams, JPR Williams, Stu Wilson, Gareth Edwards, Zinzan Brooke or Christian Cullen … My favourite try – ever – is the one that Bentos scored against the Springboks in 1997. Or was it Carlos Spencer’s between-the-legs pass to set up Joe Rokocoko, also against the Springboks? Hmmmmm …

In international cricket, I tend to favour Sri Lanka, India or Pakistan. My favourite individuals are (the opening-partnership of) Waqar Yunus and Wasim Akram, Brian Lara, Sachin Tendulkar and Steve Waugh (for cricketing and ethical reasons). I grew up watching “coloured” or “Indian” leagues (the Hassan Bowl, I think it was called) and never really got to know the post-apartheid players or teams. Of course I photographed cricket at the Wanderers for the old Sunday Express during the 1980s; at the time thought Jimmy Cook (was that his name?) was a good player, that Graeme Pollock was brilliant and that the guys Fotheringham and another one called Neil Mac-something were quite excellent. I also watched Pakistan against South Africa at Newlands in, eghm 1994, or was it 1996, or maybe 1997? Whatever.

That’s it for full disclosure. Forthwith, if I can get a sports piece into Thought Leader when the editors are not watching, much more will be revealed. (Cue scary laughter by Vincent Price)