A day in the life of Mac the Inarb (I’m Not a Racist But … )

Inarb Mac snores and dreams on bed-branch deep in Shanghai jungle, writing South African poems in his sub-conch-iousness …

An inarb called Mac would despair
Over what others preferred to wear.
His clothes? Stained glass.
You could see his arse,
Rainbow Nation cheeks with flair.

Inarb Mac grunts, wakes up on bed-branch. Rattles conch-iousness. Scratches chest. Searches for fleas in groin, beats chest, lets out thunderous bellow from both ends to let world know he is alive, inarbrous and well.

Female inarb rolls over on bed-branch in disgust.

Lopes to kitchen-branch in birthday suit to catch eggs. Eggs try roll away but Inarb Mac one wily inarb.

Breaks many eggs and pours down throat, Rocky Stallone style. Wipes mouth and belches.

Remembers to put on clothing. Remembers it cannot disguise skin colour. Here other skin colour is sort of olive-yellow. Some of their eyes slant up like scorpions’ tails.
Goats’ horns. Penguin feet squooshing up snow-hills sideways. Can blindfold them Chinamen with a strand of tooth floss.

Swings down to ground floor on liana-lift. Dodges Chinaman who wants to pat his boep*. Lots of boep-patters in China because scrawny Chinamen bodies make rakes look plump. An inarbrous boep is a wonder to behold and hold. Inarb Mac’s wife calls his boep a tool shed.

Dives into white water river called Metro. Swirled along into train.

Usually Inarb Mac only white, inarbrous face in Metro-river. Inarb Mac feels like one word in Alan Ginsberg’s poem Howl as river vituperates him in and out of metro trains. No queues. Absolutely no bloody queuing. What’s a queue in China? Fug knows, maybe a stick you smack balls with. Not the ones between your legs.

Teaches English to marvellous miniature Chinaman and Chinawoman dolls. Gets told by department head not to use Chinese in classes to explain some English words to marvelous miniatures. Replies, “OK, I will not use Chinese to help them not understand English”.

Sarcasm whistles way over department head as she sweetly replies, “Okay! Thank you for another cooperation with our school!”**. Inarb Mac winces at the English. pronunciation sounds like “another copulation with our school”.

Lopes past classes where Chinaman teachers are teaching miniatures English in Chinese. Say what? Yes, in Chinese. Sounds like lesson to learn Chinese. Inarb Mac gapes at rare wolfberries on blackboards: “subjunctive mode”, “attributive clause”, “conditionals and collocations”.

Inarb Mac knows marvelous miniatures can’t even pronounce those words but are taught English through them. Which is why most marvellous miniatures still can’t speak English.

Swirls back home through subway tributaries.

Leaves the land of chopsticks, tofu and Way of Empty Brain: teaching English through almost only using Chinese lingo. Departure done through PC portal – Inarb Mac contemplates Rainbow Nation.

Not going to vote for shower-head oke. No way, Mac Is Not a Racist But … Shower-head is suspected of too many crimes. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Sure, only smoke, but enough smoke to prove Rome burns. In other countries people in office suspected of one crime step down from office. Shower-head got eleven possibilities. Him gonna step up, yebo!

Shikota? Mac Is Not a Racist But … hmmm … Helen Zille has a white face — no, no, no — white face not good enough reason to vote for her, be a good inarb now hey Mac? It’s because she’s got one long, long list of awards and contributions to society instead of playing the race card and enjoying a moerse obscene lifestyle on the other Card, the ANC MasterCard. Cost to humble tax-paying oke? Priceless.

Helen sorted out those cops lekker at that Mitchell’s Plain Magistrate’s court in fight against tik.

Switches off PC, lopes back to bed-branch in Shanghai. Grooms female inarb. Female inarb grooms him back.

Sleeps. Hairy body twitches and whimpers while he dreams inarb poems …

There was an inarbic painter called Moe
Who wanted everyone to know:
No black, no white.
Now get that right.
Zebra crossings have to go.

* South African slang for tummy.

** I wish to hell Chinese English teachers and managers would stop saying “Thank you for a good cooperation”. Or, “We hope we can have a cooperation with you”. I keep hearing the Freudian slip. I have tried correcting them. They won’t listen.

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