A case for retroactive abortion

OK, admit it, you have thought of this yourself or found yourself in a situation where this might be applicable. You know the candidates — the little shits who think they are better than everyone else.

You know, the ones driving in the fast lane on the highway, talking on the mobile, texting at the same time and driving 35km slower than they should. You think to yourself: why is this person not moving out of the fast lane? They are just being obnoxious.

Or the person at the grocery store with two full carts who tries to check out at the express lane. To make matters worse, they then proceed to argue with the person at the till about why they should be allowed to use the express checkout lane.

How about the ever-so-important people on the cellphone? You know the ones, screaming at the top of their voices for everyone to hear the conversation. These are the people who should spare us and just ask “do you know who I am?”

I must also admit that as a teenager — if I were to follow this line of thought — I was a candidate as well. I have former high school classmates who till this day will not speak to me. My high school headmaster would have gladly volunteered me for this action, possibly on a weekly basis.

Life would be so much simpler without these people — tell me you have not at one point had this thought. The other group is the men with baggy pants. If you are older than 12, you should not be wearing baggy pants. The same goes for the 35-year-olds wearing a cap backward. What about the wonderful people who think their music taste is so great that they feel the urge to share it with the rest of us.

These are my candidates for retroactive abortion.

How about the know-it-all people. There is not a question they do not have an answer for, even if what comes out of their mouths is utter drivel. I once worked with such a person. When they didn’t know the answer they felt the need to start the sentence with “to begin, to start, to commence”. This always validated for me that there is a need for this retroactive action.

The other class of candidates is the folks on the road who will cut in front of you in traffic and then have to slam their brakes when there is nowhere to go. The other class is the ladies with extra-long nails. How do they wash their ears? How do they maintain hygiene after visiting the loo.

Folks driving Hummers? This just screams to me, candidate. You have so much money that you have to prove it to all of us. Electric car drivers, you care so much for the environment that you have to drive a Prius. These are my candidates. Folks who complain on a plane because there is a baby crying as their ears pop. As well as the parents who will not reprimand their brats who kick your seat on a plane continuously without intervening.

The nudists who really should not be nude also qualify. These are the people who know they should not be assaulting our sense of sight. In my head, if Victoria Secret is not for you, then please do not go nude. The notion of a naked lady is very exciting. But a naked lady with severe love handles is not that exciting and since you do not understand I qualify you.

The politicians who continue to pillage and feed at the trough as the poor continue to struggle on a daily basis. Civil servants who find it hard to disappear, not thankful they are being offered R1.6 million to go away. BEE-connected beneficiaries. For they pocket illicitly what they do not deserve. This money could be used to feed several township residents or at the minimum provide two meals per household for several years. People who belong to racist organisations like the Black Management Forum, which has the power to influence but is silent when corruption is exposed. It does not take members who are inept to task but now finds a voice to support the media tribunal.

Someone out there is saying I am a candidate as well, and they are probably right.