You have to read this and you’ll see why: BMW drivers are a malleable lot, it seems, and I’m almost warming to them. Barely a peep out of them after the go I had at them the other day. Except for one, whose post I enjoyed so much that I’m posting it more prominently to ensure it gets a wider audience. Read my original blog post here, so that you’ll know the context of his post, then come back and read this …

He calls himself only WeZ, and here is what he wrote:

Hmm, this post+comments seems a little one-sided and, in a typical narcissistic BMW driver attitude, I will find a way to make this stroke my ego one way or another.

For those who are still looking like a deer in truck headlights while I roar up behind your sorry excuse for transportation, those flashing lights that blind you (even on a good day) are actually structured Morse code signals, embedded into all our ancestors’ DNA by the BMW Illuminati centuries ago. We subconsciously start to use this knowledge the moment we purchase our first golden chariot.

Over time the extras on BMWs have evolved. We now get beautiful blonds standard on all six-cylinder engines and higher. The higher the value of the car, the better looking she is. Trust me, the owners of high end M3s and M5s etc get more ass than a public toilet seat.

Also, we do not drive by speed limits like the rest of you bland sheep. Speed limits did not exist back in those days so our DNA does not allow us to recognise and adhere to them now. So we only operate by the ‘faster than thou’ principle; if I am going faster than thou, thou shalt get out my way, post haste. If somehow you are going faster than me, I will take my foot off the brake and accelerate ahead.

So don’t worry about the fact that you are doing the speed limit and I should not be driving so fast — when you see me behind you, just get off my road. You have enough on your mind trying to figure out how to have a meaningful existence in such a short time on this planet; why don’t you let me worry about my own fine. Simple enough for you earthlings with your limited brain usage??

So next time you’re pulling into the middle lane as fast as your little lawnmower engine can handle and you’re thinking how much you hate me — just remember your woman is probably wondering how she could be my ‘optional extra’ and I’m probably deciding whether to use my sixth gear or not.

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Tony Jackman

Tony Jackman

Tony Jackman is a journalist, budding playwright and sometime chef. He's written two plays, An Influence of Ghosts and Blue Train Coming, and back in the day wrote loads of songs. He paints a bit in watercolours...

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