Max, the TRIBE has spoken

I must admit that I am enlightened by the insights of so many racial identity experts who make their views known in the variety of media available to South Africans of all shades and persuasions. It seems that every time I read a newspaper or log on to a social media site, I can read up on a wealth of information and views about South Africa’s many races and their essential characteristics.

Of course, we could always rely on our traditional bloggers, op-ed specialists, Facebook friends and tweeters to offer insights on the genocide of white farmers, hip-hop killing machines on the scale of Rwanda, the slim probability of confronting a white burglar in your home or white racists who dare to criticise the ANC. Many of the authors of such articles have become household names and we have come to rely on their excellent, rigorous, research-based contributions to the kind of rational-critical debate that is so important to the functioning of our democracy.

I am, however, pleased to see that the list of contributors to key debates that affect South African civil society has grown. Imagine how delighted I was to read up on the essential characteristics of coloured women in a Sunday paper recently. These quirky insights into the inner and outer workings of coloured women will go a long way in enriching the perspective of these often-misunderstood people from the Western Cape.

It certainly will help people from other provinces of South Africa to understand the coloured mind when coloureds relocate to other parts of the country in efforts to solve the overpopulation problem in the Western Cape. I am certain that high-ranking government officials will agree that the Free State, for example, could do with a bit of colour.

As economists would agree, spreading coloureds out evenly throughout the country certainly would be more expedient and practical than spreading the high concentrations of wealth located in certain pockets of the land evenly throughout the country. It would also solve the problems of gangsterism in the Western Cape, a problem among all coloureds as a well-respected journalist will tell you. If you separate these coloureds — whether they are politicians, academics, teachers, nurses, preachers, imams, nuns, social workers, cooks, nannies, housekeepers, real estate agents, street sweepers, lawyers, call-centre staff or unemployed — from their gang affiliations in the Western Cape and integrate them into established tribes, like those found in KwaZulu-Natal, then you would be solving the coloured problem. You would be giving them a tribe, a sense of belonging, as the editor of an anti-apartheid newspaper will tell you.

I was also encouraged to hear a famous radio and TV personality, who is now located at an easy-listening radio station in the Cape, push critical boundaries the other day during his breakfast radio show. He was interviewing a columnist who was recently fired for her contested description of coloureds. Her defence was that she was merely telling it like is — she, after all, had spent time in Cape Town and had coloured friends. The famous personality agreed with her many explanations. When an irate coloured female caller tried to challenge the columnist, the presenter interrupted and asked her whether she had her teeth in her mouth.

It is so refreshing to see so many more experts entering the racial identity debate. One does so tire of reading the same diatribes by the usual professionals and I cannot wait to see who else will offer valuable and empowering perspectives on rootless, toothless and criminal coloureds. Columns, blogs, tweets and opinion pieces are so exciting. Anyone can be an expert on anything. It’s so entertaining. Click streams and statistics about unique visitors must be off the scales. The debates are profitable to all. Finally, we are seeing a better life for all investors in commercial media.

It is, perhaps, apt to end with a line culled from another profitable form of entertainment media, reality TV: “Max, the TRIBE has spoken. Take your pipe and go” (cue “tribal” / oonga boonga music with dramatic orchestral strains).