Recipe for a South African music video

Being the Sumo, and being a responsible member of society, I have many pressing matters to attend to on a daily basis. Such important matters as making certainly sure, personally, that the employment rate in the fast-food industry grows exponentially each year at the same rate as my gut. I manage this by keeping my loyal patronage exclusively to these trans-fatty-acid-distributing establishments.

I could choose to have a smoked-chicken salad for supper, but then the local 24-hour rotisserie-chicken joint would go under and then what would happen to the children of the employees? How would they afford to go to school and afford school uniforms? It’s about the kids, man, I’m looking to promote a better life for all — a selfless task that the Sumo has taken upon himself!

Besides my noble, martyr-like reasons for making sure the 24-hour rotisserie place continues its praiseworthy task, I have other, more selfish, reasons for keeping that five-star establishment in business. See, I have a slight problem during the week (from Monday to Wednesday). Due to the self-imposed no-alcohol-during-the-working-week policy, I struggle to fall asleep at night during those long days because of the evil known to me as soberness.

During my tertiary student and consequent experiential training years, every day was the weekend. The golden nectar flowed, relentlessly, and my whole life was just a blur of alcohol, partying and women of questionable moral standing. But those days are over now; the lard matured and the Sumo has had to become responsible and “grow up” — hence the three-day, self-imposed sentence of no alcoholic joy.

When one grows older, one realises just exactly on which side one’s bread is buttered and, in my case, that is the cooperate side. My friend, don’t mess up your employment or you will run the risk of being a beer-less tub of lard and that clearly is undesirable, as I’m sure all those who have partaken of the said beverage will fully agree.

Therefore it is important for the Sumo to be at his best during the working week, to be super sharp, see and seize the opportunities before the competitors do, in order to ensure the success of this great company and, by extension, ensure the Sumo a steady supply of beer and fast, high-GI food.

So, to the Sumo, soberness = insomnia and insomnia = marathon late-night national-broadcaster TV watching. As you will observe, this is a very precarious position to be in for the Sumo, and yes, the Sumo has contemplated suicide on quite a number of occasions, but thanks to our national brewery, the Sumo stood to lose too much by terminating his tenure on this great planet and in this great country. Hence the reason why he is sitting here, typing these, his most intimate thoughts, for your reading pleasure.

As I was saying, due to my insomnia I have lately taken to watching TV in the wee hours of the morning. And when I get hungry, I simply run/waddle down to the 24-hour rotisserie place and get myself a nice baby chicken. And at these times one esteemed TV channel fills out the programming gap by airing all the South African music videos it has in its collection, no matter how awful they might be … all of them!

It would seem that as long as a person sommer hands over a DVD or video tape to the producers, which I suspect is the case judging from the quality, it is included on the play list without ever being reviewed for quality or purpose. I have observed these homemade videos with great interest and have come up with a list of key requirements to be fulfilled before one can submit one’s own tribute to the great art form known as the South African music video.

So, should you be a budding producer and want to make your debut into the South African music industry, below are few critical elements required should you want to “hook yourself up” with a standard music video. Who knows? Maybe you’ll get an award for it this year at the various prestigious music-award ceremonies, but having you and your friends immortalised on DVD or video is payment enough for your genius and determination.

Cinematography

No script: Let everyone do exactly what they want as long as the “musician” gets his face on the camera 76 times during the three-and-a-half-minute video.

Sample a song: Sample a track, get some chick from the tuck shop to sing it and later discover she was singing the wrong lyrics, but you’ve recorded the song and it’s too late. Carry on and shoot the video; try to keep a straight face — maybe no one will notice the lyrics.

Finance

No budget: Who needs money? Just show up with a camera and do your thing. A crowd is sure to gather.

A borrowed digital camera: Who needs the real thing when a camera phone can do the business? In fact, let your little brother shoot the video; you know, keepin’ it in the family … Let him edit it too.

A taxi rank: Location, location, location! Why hire a house/club/yacht for the video when you can just as easily use a free taxi rank or shopping centre in the hood. Think, guy!

Costumes and atmosphere

No wardrobe: Borrowed clothes are the order of the day; the clothes just never seem to fit quite right, do they? But it is OK; shoot the video anyway, the borrowed camera has to go back later that day and there is no time for fittings.

The hot chick: For all your close-up shots you need one of these, just one — but let her wear your sister’s clothes because she was just on her way to the shopping centre when you convinced her to do the video and wasn’t quite dressed for the occasion.

Farmish crowd: Hire models?! For what?! Just be at the shopping centre/taxi rank with a camera, put up that red-and-white security tape and a crowd is sure to gather at the perimeter — and there, my friend, is your atmosphere …

No hired extras: Atmosphere, people! Use the aforementioned farmish crowd. No sweat, no cash!

Choreography

Unwilling dancers: These are usually school kids on their way to buy bread. They are sucked into the video situation seemingly oblivious to what’s really going.

A taxi: Well … the neighbour doesn’t have a Ferrari to lend you for the video, but he does have a taxi. Be resourceful; use what’s at your disposal, guy! Let the dancers do their thing in front of, in and on top of the said taxi.

Really whack dancing: Choreography? What’s that? Just make a circle at the taxi rank, play some tunes (not necessarily the one you’re making a video of, because you might struggle to get people to break into dancing mode with that) and hey presto, people shakin’ it, you get your money shots and all is well in the world!

I must say though that most of the South African music videos are of excellent quality lately, especially those of established artists backed by major music houses or even the private labels that are well established. The rest leave much to be desired, but are extremely entertaining nonetheless.

There is no doubt there’s an abundance of musical talent in this country. Heck, I’m one of those musical talents that never had a chance to shine due to certain star criteria that the Sumo had no hope of ever filling. I understood this and therefore never attempted any such undertaking as a recording. And there was always the question of money. Would I be able to take care of my parents on that money? And how long would that last?

I guess what I’m saying is that the South African music industry should be made more lucrative for the artists so that they can make more money, improve the quality of their offerings and in turn attract more support, which will result in even more revenue for the industry. It’s good business.

A fried chicken drumstick goes down well at 2am on any day, but it would go down even better aided by a quality music video and a few gulps of my favourite beer at exactly six degrees Celsius.

I can’t wait for Monday night …

I rest
The Sumo