The sexy scale of SA politics

South African politicians aren’t sexy, yet I am slightly disturbed by utterances from some politico circles that politics should be sexy.

Sure, it makes sense: sex sells. But considering our socio-economic climate, it appears as if South Africans just aren’t buying.

No individual politician from the crop of leaders the 2009 elections produced — in my subjective opinion — convincingly brought sexy back — or even into politics, for that matter.

To be fair, maybe in a collective effort they all bring something to the sexy table. True to its form, the ruling party and its overwhelming majority with Zuma at its helm clearly puts the sex in sexy. That the ANC puts out is undeniable, but with Nzimandes and Malemas in its ranks, it can hardly be considered sexy, and the president seems to be the only one keeping it up.

The DA’s performance in the political bedroom in 2009 was definitely laudable, but with Helen Zille (and quite a number of old, bald white guys) steering the party, the party gets a huge Y.

I might be tempted to give Cope the E for effort, but considering its historical roots and the findings of a recent KPMG forensic audit report, some in the organisation may have failed to shed those tainted pasts. Cope has the X-factor — that one thing everyone is looking for, but nobody can describe, let alone find. The party is somewhere between the sex and the Y.

We don’t need sexy politicians, and judging by last year’s electoral outcomes, South Africans don’t want them — or clearly do not consider it a serious deciding factor when they cast their ballots.

I shrugged off criticisms of Cope last year as a black elitist party because, from an academic point of view, its supporters profile surveyed 55%+ unemployed South Africans.

There is, unfortunately, a sizeable portion of Cope members surrounding the former chief whip who claim that his “success as a Gauteng Finest Premier, beautiful clothing and seeming bonhomie appealed to my youth sense of ‘African Success’ (sic)“, that the party under Sam will be “The Sexiest Alternative Party” and in the same breath that this “man is humble and good, just like Moses”.

I must admit, I’m not particularly Christian (or Jewish for that matter), but I’ve never seen beautiful clothing, bonhomie, humble and Moses mentioned in the same breath.

The vast majority of South Africans are poor, the last thing they want is sexy and flashy. South Africans don’t need a sexy alternative, they need an effective alternative.

There is no sexy in service delivery, and if that’s what you’re looking for, ask Malema and Kunene how to deliver the goods on half-naked women.

I have never associated the notion of public servant with sexy either, but I am starting to doubt whether we as South Africans even understand the concept public servant. It appears as if the words public and servant are lost on most of us.

If you’re appointed as a public servant, with the duty of accounting for public money, it is laughable, actually evil, to insist on being subpoenaed to do your job.

Let Idols deliver on the petit bourgeoisie’s insatiable desire for sexy, and let our public servants deliver the goods — preferably not in Armani suits, but as true, humble servants of the people.

We don’t need pop star politicians, and not very many of us want them, judging by the looks of Zuma and Zille.