Dear Mr White Conservative

It seems you were right. The natives are out to get us. I have tried to help them out, teach them a thing or two about democracy and living the rainbow dream, but all they have done is taunt me.

I put on their bloody T-shirt and they laughed at me. I played their records and invited them round for tea, but they just spat in my mug and told me they don’t listen to that type of music any more. In fact, some of them even told me they had never listened to that music at all. I was most disturbed. I said, “Can’t we all just get along?” They said no.

I was desperate so I told them I like pap. They said we like potato. I said I like Black Label. They said we like Windhoek. I said I like KFC (even though I’m a vegan). They said we like Nando’s. I hit on a brain wave and said I like Orlando Pirates. They said we like Man United. “But you’re black?”, I answered, “Those are white people things … ”

Suddenly the truth dawned on me they are coming for our stuffs. They are not happy to just have their things, they want all the things. My liewe god, Oom Paul, hear my cry! These okes are going to eat me alive. I don’t think the 12ft high wall and the boom-gate are going to keep them out. I am packing my bag right now and coming to Orania. Is there space for me there by the farm? I know how to grow organic vegetables and I can make a very nice lentil dhal. I learnt the recipe at the ashram.

Kind regards

Your friend

The white (sort of) liberal

P.S. I was wondering if I left my Ray-Bans there on my last visit. They seem to have gone missing.