Let's talk about masturbation

Most people masturbate. And by people, I mean women too (for the chauvinists out there who haven’t caught onto our people-status yet). It is interesting then that this topic is treated as taboo by most media sources, life-skills counsellors and women.

Sexuality is by necessity an intimate and personal thing, and discomfort around public speaking about how you get off is to be expected. Of course in the closed circles of friendship protected by shared secrecy people talk about their sexuality more frequently, and that in itself is something. There seems to be a trend, at least in white English South African culture, that allows men to talk openly about masturbation, sex and their sexuality. However, a similar culture for women doesn’t exist.

Women are told by magazines to take control of their sexuality and masturbation is described as a sort of naughty side-effect. The trouble is that when we don’t speak about sexuality and particularly young people’s sexuality, then young people have no way of accessing support when they have questions. This leads to a build up of secrecy and stigma around sexuality so that when girls and young women experience sexual feelings, or a desire to masturbate, they are not sure if this is “normal”. I know from my own education (at incredible Christian schools) this topic was never raised, but there was the understanding that the lord would not be chuffed if you were fiddling with your own bits (never mind someone else’s). Stigma leads to shame. Young girls (and maybe boys, feel free to correct me) feel too embarrassed to discuss this topic or ask questions. So they pretend it doesn’t happen.

The silencing of girls’ sexual desire is part of what places them at risk during sexual encounters. Girls are not encouraged to talk about their sexuality, which makes it more difficult to have the kind of sex they want. If they can’t talk about it with peers, how can they talk about it in the heat of the moment. And worst, if they won’t admit it to themselves then how can they admit it to a new (or old) lover. They are encouraged to focus on their partner’s pleasure and not their own (and this continues into adulthood with women’s magazines) and so their sexuality is starved of self-ownership. I heard a harrowing story this week about a young girl who sent images of herself masturbating by MMS to a boy she liked, who then forwarded it on, and when she found out that people knew she committed suicide.

Whether this is urban legend or not, the issue remains serious that young girls are afraid that people know that they masturbate when in fact this is the safest way for them to be sexual. The shame surrounding women’s sexual pleasure must be broken down. This is exactly why women and young girls should be encouraged to experiment with masturbation as a route to achieving sexual pleasure and knowledge without risks. They should be encouraged to talk about it amongst their peers, which should create a sense of honesty about their own desires.

Viva masturbation and women’s ownership of their sexuality and bodies.