The beerpocalypse is upon us

Warning: the next few paragraphs contain an extremely one-sided and highly indignant view on a contentious issue. No, I haven’t joined the Desperate Alliance or the selective amnesia support group that broke away from the ANC, this isn’t at all about politics. It’s bigger than that nothingness.

In the UK, the noble Birtish Beer and Pub Association is leading calls for the drinking public and government to do more to keep pubs open. Why such hysteria teetotallers ask ?

Well firstly, sod you for spurning the gift of malt, and secondly, the UK is facing a wave of pub closures that has accelerated to a rate of 50 a week. Yes that’s fifty! The same as the number of rands that get you a cold six at an unfortunately located oasis at 2am.

This in the home of the pub nogal. It’s a crisis. This is like Italy turning its back on Catholicism, Jews not making money, Zulus not taking the long route to getting chops on a braai and the DA not being outraged. What is causing this is a convergence of a number of “well-meaning” assaults on the communal imbibing of the amber nectar ; smoking bans, above inflation increases in legislated fleecing aka “sin taxes”, the recession (quick, think of a word that rhymes with “banker”) and the Gestapo approach to traffic enforcement in vogue with Plod Squads all over the world. It’s crazy. What does this have to do with SA? Well you know how we are when it comes to copying ridiculous nonsense from overseas.

As it is we are past masters at using society’s desire for fun times to fund ministerial luxobarges, the anti-smoking brigade seem to be dictating terms in the health ministry and despite what they tell you the recession still has its icy grip on our parched throats. Don’t get me started on Metro cops skulking around brandishing breathalysers like red-hot rectal probes on a flying saucer.

It’s hard out here for a (beer-guzzling) pimp. Now the snail cuddling brigade wants to convince us that devouring meat — as carnivores are wont to — is actually bad for the planet. Why? Because cows fart. No, really. Screw the emissions from the bonfire parties, ocean voyages to stop the Japanese being Japanese and the endless hot air they spew, I’m going to die from anaemia because cow farts are the enemy. And the solution? Stop eating them. Great. So just when in the course of human history did doing what only comes naturally become a danger to the planet? Should we tell the higher powers to take their sodding gift of fire with while they are at it? We can all just wrap ourselves in congealed tofu for warmth hey since we’ll probably end up doing away with electricity too.

How about we do something pro-active and innovative instead and look into the cow farts themselves? Not literally of course, though Al Gore does have the look of an … erm never mind. Drunk driving a burden on society? Organise some decent public transport then. We’ll be on it like a politician on a baby-kissing photo opportunity. Seriously. Consider this — driving home drunk means you’ve paid VAT (and likely import duties) on your car, levies and VAT on petrol, topped it off with sin taxes and VAT on your booze, possibly R100 on the traffic light temptress that you are too nice to leave out in the dark, dangerous cold, and there’s still the unofficial R50 road tax to the uniformed turd stalking the streets at 3am.

We’ll happily save on all that money and use it to fund the leisure industry.

Innovation over restriction I say. After all, we drinkers are the ones with reduced intellectual ability right? So lead the way Gaiya-fiends. Good luck with the anaemia hey. And we need to start now and engage in pro-active measures before the dry tide overwhelms us. Let’s start lobbying and making a noise like the unwashed (the dolphins need the water more you see) do. And no — screaming “chug chug chug!” will not further our cause. We need to get smart about this. Align with similar interest groups. Like smokers for example.

The Orwellian machinations have been coming up against them for decades now and yet the industry still thrives. They must be onto something. I am not a fan of smoking/smokers, but I respect my friends’ right to pop outside every now and then to add some emphysema to his impending cirrhosis. If automobiles can spew ton upon ton of CO2 into the atmosphere while stuck on William Nicol, why can’t people relieve some stress with their money and their lungs? Frankly if you are lurking around drinking-hole pavements at 3am, second-hand smoke should be the least of your concerns. Like unwashed greenies spreading their cooties around.

Drinkers of the world — unite. Happy Hour starts at 6!