The pointlessness of bling

I’ve never really seen the point of bling. Of course, I have my wedding and engagement ring (which used to be two separate rings until a bee flew in through the window and stung the fourth finger of my left hand, causing it to swell grotesquely and forcing me to cut them off. Long story.)

But surely people have better things to spend their money on?

If I do wear jewellery, it’s the sort of stuff that no self-respecting thief would want: bone, shells, semi-precious stones. I went through a beading phase in October-November 2007 (I remember this well because it coincided with the writing of the second insult book and a failed attempt to construct a glass bead chandelier) and made several pieces, one of which subsequently fell apart and bounced across the pavement while I was running for the ferry here in Sydney.

Moving swiftly on.

Proper bling, sparkly bling, has to be kept in a safe, or a safety deposit box. Its resale value is a miserable fraction of what you pay for it. You risk being followed home from the mall for it*, attacked in your driveway for it, having your house broken into for it, your car window smashed for it. The only purpose of bling is to be seen — and in South Africa, it’s too dangerous to show it off.

Celebrity stories about stolen bling abound. Datin Melanie Samsudin, the bokkie who married the rich Malaysian and dominated the pages of Style magazine in the 1990s, was robbed of her jewels in London years ago. Similarly, Mark and Loui Fish were robbed of R2,5-million worth of jewellery in the UK in 2006 (the now ex Mrs Fish was robbed again at their Mooikloof home in August last year).

Jewellery stores, like Shimansky in Sandton City, are still opening — “hardly a rain cloud in sight for this recession-repression do” reported The Times — but it’s hard to resist the conclusion that in times like these, the flashing of bling is positively obscene. Is there really a place for it when so many face destitution?

Complicating the matter in South Africa is, of course, the fact that the economy relies to an extent on gold, diamonds and platinum, demand for all of which depends on jewellery sales. Not unexpectedly in the midst of a major recession, demand for jewellery has tanked. De Beers has already dramatically scaled back activity at its Botswana operations.

Jewellery also has a very long and distinguished cultural history. As long as human beings have had culture, they have adorned themselves with items that have only aesthetic rather than practical value. Gold is especially significant in both Indian and Chinese culture.

But I have to wonder whether, if we are to progress as a species, we learn that diamonds and pearls won’t make any of us a happy boy or girl.

* The Sunday Times reported: “Apart from identifying the victims from their jewellery, spotters also check their shopping baskets. Ice-cream, meat, fresh fruit and vegetables indicate that victims are more likely to go straight home. The gang then track the victims home.”