Hello Eskom my old friend

They tell me you’ll be visiting again soon bringing Load Shedding with you. They don’t know exactly when that will be, but knowing you guys, it’s safe to assume it will be at the most awkward moment possible.

In preparation of your visit I went to the trouble jotting down notes to make your stay as comfortable as possible.

Me? No, I won’t be around this time. I volunteered my time at a wind farm in the Eastern Cape where they’re working around the clock to try and clean up your mess. Those giant blades don’t assemble themselves, you know.

As per usual I’ll leave matches and candles on the counter by the door as you come in. Remember to drip hot wax in the chandeliers so the burning candle doesn’t fall out. We don’t want a repeat of the incident when you rolled around in 2008.

There are two laptops in the study. The HP Notebook will give you an hour and a half on a full charge; the Dell Aspire another two hours. That’s roughly two full movies if you don’t put the sound on full blast.

Please don’t download anything — Power of One, System of a Down — my ADSL line is capped courtesy of your sister monopoly, Telkom. Wait a second, the router will be down so you won’t have internet. No Twitter or Facebook also. What bliss. I think you’ll enjoy a break from Zelda la Grange’s tweets as we’ll all do.

There’s a gennie primed and ready in the garage to be used for emergencies only.

A power cut in the middle of AB’s next innings constitutes an emergency. As do paramedics showing up at the door with a defibrillator. Anything less and you’re on your own.

Obviously you can use the braai and try to keep the fire going 24/7 like they did in medieval times. You’ll need a steady supply of wood though. Good luck with that. The 7 eleven closes when you’re around (they don’t have a gennie).

There are some conversation topics on the fridge you and Load can talk about while you wait for the power to come back on.

Top of the list is the Weather followed by Racism In This Country followed by SA’s Space Programme. One and two should keep you busy for a while – three not so much.

I left bongo drums in the living room for when the silence gets too much. Please don’t break them.

You’ll probably find after an hour’s angry drumming your hands will be too sore to go on. This is perhaps a good time to quietly (I don’t think you have a choice) reflect on how things got the way they are.

Begin within. Deep within.

Was it wise to run power stations for more than 30 years when it clearly says in the manual not to do so?

Why on earth is a unit at Koeberg shutting down and watt, the hell, is going on at Medupi?

These are all personal issues, Eskom, one could say, created by yourself.

You’re a power-generating neurotic my friend, but you’re acting like a character-disordered blaming everything but yourself.

Maybe it’s time to change circumstances by changing yourself.

Because you’re letting us down big guy.

And that’s not what friends are for.