New study suggests that homosexuals are really just women with winkles

And in Duh News today, a new scientific study has provided irrefutable proof that the brains of gay men are different to straight men’s brains.

By show of hands, who is surprised to learn that this groundbreaking scientific achievement was conducted in Stockholm, Sweden? This is just the type of endeavour that the bored Swedes would get up to. These are just the types of things that wealthy First World scientists would occupy themselves with. Forget Aids, diabetes, cerebral palsy, supporting Orlando Pirates and other life-threatening conditions. These guys think that the world is now a better place because of this ‘new’ information. Kinda reminds me of another bunch of scientists who spend their lives dousing funny rats with Tabasco sauce.

I’ll be the first one to admit that I have way too many personality disorders. One of them is the fact that I always seem to just somehow know certain things. For instance, I have always just taken it for granted that gayness probably has something to do with how people’s brains are wired. The same way I just assume that the brain is somehow involved in making Jehovah’s Witness’s behave differently to the okes who shave their heads, chant a lot and walk around in diapers, the Hare whatchamicalls. So the only fact that surprises me about this ‘study’ is that someone was looking into this situation in the first place.

That brings me to my next point. The scientists who were working on this are neuro-scientists. I’m guessing that in order for them to start ‘researching’ this, there must have been a ‘problem’ they wanted to solve. I cannot, for the life of me, imagine what that problem must have been. For the benefit of those in the Julius Malema educational program, the scientific method dictates that before you start researching anything, you must already have an outcome in mind. No, really. A summary of the scientific method is:

Observe stuff and identify patterns.

Offer a theory on why stuff is that way.

Go out and gather facts that support your theory and ignore the facts that don’t support it.

Sit back and wait for the call from the Nobel Committee.

Or something along those lines.

I’m really curious to find out which incisive mind came up with this particular breakthrough hypothesis. I mean, who would have thought that men who are attracted to other men think differently to men who are attracted to women? I still have not had the pleasure to meet Somizi Mhlongo but I’ve always just taken it for granted that his brain controls the object of his boners and that it’s probably different to mine.

According to the article, gay men’s brains seem to be more like straight women’s brains and straight men’s brains more like lesbian women’s brains. Hmmm, fascinating revelation, this. Who would have thought that Nataniel would probably have more in common with my wife than me? I mean, the man designs tea cloths, aprons, vanilla soap and handbags, all stuff that my wife just happens to be very interested in. But more importantly, who would have figured out that this has something to do with the way their brains are wired? Did they really need to scan 90 people’s brains to come to that conclusion?

Apparently this new study comes on the back of another groundbreaking study conducted at Queen Mary, University of London which found that gay men and straight women had better ‘verbal fluency’. Am I the only one who feels like asking for a refund? What the hell are we paying for here? Wow! Heterosexual women and gay men are better at talking than straight men and lesbian women?! Would somebody call the Nobel headquarters in Oslo already.

The brain experts obsessed with homosexuals apparently ran another series of tests using a method known as positron emission tomography to come to the conclusion that heterosexual women and gay men were probably more in touch with their emotions than straight men and lesbian women. Amazing stuff. Where have these guys been along? Had they come along sooner, they would saved men everywhere many sleepless nights trying to put their finger on the cause of their wives’ propensity to shed a tear because Parsons decided to leave Nandipha. (Yeah, I’m really hooked on that %^$£. Way to go baby.)

But what worries me most about all of this is this bit; “…they have begun another study to investigate brain symmetry in new-born babies, to see if it can be used to predict their future sexual orientation.” Especially when you consider that the Einsteins have also apparently discovered that sexual orientation is linked to a foetus’s ‘exposure to testosterone in the womb’.

Ignore the obvious question of how testosterone gets into a woman’s uterus. I just don’t know if I necessarily like where this is going. I guess that’s because I’m cynical enough to wonder what prompted this interest in the biological drivers behind sexual orientation. But more than anything else, I’m worried about where all this might be headed. I’m also cynical enough to imagine this conversation between gynaecologist and soon-to-be a proud father.

God-with-shiny stethoscope: Do you guys want to know both the gender and the sexual orientation of your baby?

Couple (looking at each other lovingly): Yes almighty one.

GWSS: Based on the testosterone levels in the uterus and the symmetry of the brain hemispheres, it’s a gay boy.

Homophobic retard: Is there anything we can do about the ‘condition’ Doc?

GWSS: As a matter of fact there is a ‘corrective’ drug cocktail I can prescribe at an additional cost of R5 000 — fully paid for by your medical aid of course.

HR: Phew! That’s a relief. We’ll take it. Your stethoscope is really shiny, by the way.

[Scene fades with GWSS leaving the clinic to go home and rest on the seventh day after six hard days of creation.]

I’ll be the first to admit that my discomfort with this seems a tad incongruent with my other beliefs in the same area. I’ve gone on record as being all for scientific advancement, including GMO food, stem cell research and even cloning of humans. After all, who can argue that two of me would probably be better than one? While one me is busy using his liver as the last line of defence against the corrosive effects of fermented vegetable juices, the other me could be updating this blog, for an example. That’s what I call a win-win situation.

But for some reason I find the idea that one could tinker with a human being’s favoured method of coupling disconcerting. It just seems wrong. When I sniff at this whole sordid business it just has a funny stench. It smells like the use of powers for evil purposes. It’s not like identifying the gene responsible for stupidity or supporting the Gauteng Lions, for instance. That would be progress.

But that’s just me. A bundle of contradictions.

[Bulletin: I appreciate all emails giving me suggestions on what to write about. But I’m afraid I have to close submissions on suggestions that I air my views on the Morgan/Bob show. I honestly have no opinion (ignorant or informed) on the matter whatsoever. There are plenty of qualified commentators on the case. I’ll stick to writing about homosexuals, thank you.]