Beer (Ciders and Wine are for sissies and anti-football)
One sip
A sip everytime somebody makes a cringeworthy joke about the “calabash”
Carlos Alberto Parreira calls the vuvuzela “our 12th player”
Somebody at FIFA/SAPS/Supersport denounces a bomb threat
Camera spends 80% of Brazil game picking out generously bosomed female fans in the stands.
Camera spends 70% of England match picking out fat, red faced men with bad teeth.
Bafana player fails to control a gentle 6m pass on immaculate turf. Coach Parreira tears hair out in stands.
Montage of the Moses Mabhida stadium featuring Mike Sutcliffe in an ill fitting dashiki top.
Two sips
Clichewatch here – when Brazil are described as “skilful”, Germany “efficient”, England “gutsy” and Korea “busy”
Frank Lampard attempts his tenth long range shot of the half and doesn’t test the keeper.
Steven Gerrard shrugs his shoulders and looks on despairingly at the nothingness that is his midfield partner
Wayne Rooney gives the ref a brief summary of his lineage. In full view of the cameras. And Gary Bailey defends him as “spirited”
Robinho beats a man with an intricate stepover, before stopping and returning to beat his man again. While his team were on a counter attack.
Dunga actually burning a hole in Robinho’s chest with THAT look.
The Mexicans camp so deep in Bafana’s half Safa consider getting Arizona state troopers to move them.
Tequila One shot:
Cristiano Ronaldo has the game stopped so he can fix his hair
Arjen Robben and or Robin van Persie are felled and ruled out of the tournament by a shrill blast from a vuvuzela.
Two shots:
Wayne Rooney’s head explodes as Emile Heskey’s first touch goes forty yards. Into the air.
Raymond Domenech looking lost and clueless. Before the game
Three shots
Siyabonga Nomvethe chases a loose ball to the corner flag. Then give away a goalkick at the same spot
The Dutch lose a knockout match they had thorough control of. And the world understands their legalisation of cannabis.
A four shot marathon
Mbazo Mokoena gives away a free-kick in a dangerous area at a crucial time.
Vodka One shot
Two shots
Three shots
Cesc Fabregas looks like a little boy missing Daddy (Arsene) on the Spanish bench
Dunga Smiles
Hero shots
Shouts of “Booth” are interpreted as incitement to a race war by a disbelieving foreign press
Absinthe — strictly one shot each
Camera shows Joel Santana sitting in a suite with a bevy of beauties and throwing R100 notes into the stands beneath him
Diego Maradona fulfilling his erm pledge to run naked through the streets should his team nab the Cup.
Prince Ngarambe’s goals are to become Rwanda’s first transgender model and to uplift the country’s youth
Unlike the ANC, the core values of the freedom fighters do not change with each leader it elects
