Señor Onion and my television hoodoo

Holed up at our beach cottage in the Eden district, I maintained an interest in the proceedings of the Third cricket Test between South Africa and England in Cape Town. Amidst mounting tension as the game entered its final day with South Africa needing seven English wickets to win and square the series, I deliberately avoided watching the action.

Like the analogy of a watched kettle never boils, wickets never seem to fall when I watch cricket live on TV. Unless, of course, South Africa are batting. I felt my best contribution to the cause was to stay away and hold thumbs.

Accessing the scores on MobiCast, I was pleased with the three English wickets that fell on the fourth day and satisfied with the two additional wickets snatched before lunch. Surely England couldn’t do it to us again. In 1995, I watched without interruption while Mike Atherton and Jack Russell (who arrived at the crease to loud barking from spectators) defied the SA attack for four hours at the Bullring to force a draw on the last day. I was in front of the TV screen again in 1998 when last man Angus Fraser saw off Alan Donald to ensure another excruciating draw for England. Before Christmas last year, I sat through the agonising final stages of the Centurion Test as last wicket pair Collingwood and Onions defied the SA attack for 19 balls.

Back to Newlands… Five wickets needed and Collingwood and Bell are seriously overstaying their welcome. Disillusionment increases as the overs tick away. I resort to quarter hour checks of the score on my cell phone, but the wicket column is unfalteringly unchanged. The commentary remarks that they’re playing French cricket — no back lift whatsoever. With 14 overs remaining, all hope is abandoned. I am sitting on a friend’s stoep overlooking the wide blue Indian Ocean, when a MobiCast wicket floats across the screen of my Nokia. Collingwood’s been nabbed by JP Duminy. It’s too little too late. I am not going to get excited. I will not do this to myself again.

Then Duminy gets Prior! Seven down. I have visions of Michael Clarke’s thrilling penultimate over in Sydney when he took three wickets in five balls to hand the Australians an improbable victory over India. We race for the TV and turn it on. Does Duminy have a golden arm too? Dare we dream?

We go berserk when Broad pops one up and incurs the finger. Oh-oh. He calls for a review. Screams all round when Broad learns that technology doesn’t lie. But Bell is still there. Then we stare in utter disbelief as Bell gloves Morkel to the keeper. What happened to his French cricket? No review, nine down! This can’t be happening, I think, heart racing wildly. This doesn’t happen to me. I missed the 5th ODI against Australia when SA scored 438 to win the greatest one-day international ever. I was sleeping when Dale Steyn and JP Duminy turned the deciding test against Australia at the MCG. Sure enough, I was watching when Donald was run out in the tied semifinal against Australia.

I get to miss the great moments and witness our anguish.

But wait. In 1992, I was awake to witness the unforgettable sight of Glen McGrath pushing a return catch to Fanie De Villiers. Dreams can come true. I feel the same level of excitement and anticipation. Something is building. Something special is about to happen.

Graham Onions makes his way to the crease. It’s déjà vu. In Pretoria, last-man-in Onions faced 11 of the last 19 balls. He must have felt like a soldier at Rorke’s Drift when pace warrior Makhaya Ntini steamed in for the last over of that match. Pads and cricket bat as his defensive line instead of musket and mealie-bag barricade. I study him for signs of weakness.

Thirty years ago SABC ran a TV program called Señor Onion. Where is the chef that wanted to cut him up and use the onion in his latest dish? Morkel has first crack — does he have culinary skills?

Seventeen balls later, we sportingly reflect that Test Cricket is the most exciting of all. Great draws can the thrilling. Five days of attack and counter eventually hinged on a single ball. We’ve probably contributed millions to the future coffers of English cricket.

So on to the Wanderers for one last twist. It’s gonna be green, Onions.

Peter Church is the author of local thriller Dark Video now released in Australia. www.peterchurch.book.co.za or www.darkvideo.co.za