Cricket season drinking game

Summertime and the living is easy, the distinctively soft (well since Lance Klusener seemingly lost his mojo) thwack of leather upon willow can be heard announcing the beginning of easy summer vibes and days out at cricket grounds big and small, majestic and rustic all over this beautiful country of ours.

Yes, no sooner do the braais stop sizzling at rugby cathedrals as the oval pigskin season ends than they are lit up again in earnest at ovals all over SA and, the prospect of imbibing the refreshing brown ale of the heavens as long as the sun is out has most mortals licking their lips in near-Pavlovian anticipation. Certainly the opposition (those willow wielding titans from Kenya and Bangladesh) for the first few internationals of the season (with all due respect) will hardly provide reason for any excitement, but given that Australia loom on the horizon like the US Justice System after OJ Simpson, lets make the best of the minnows while they are here.

So then, without further ado, my contribution to the international cricket season –The 2008 International Season Drinking Game.

Beer Sip

1. Andre Nel fails to subdue his alter-ego “Gunther” and hisses at a No11 batsman after being pasted to all corners of the field by the top order.
2. A commentator bemoans our lack of quality spinners.
3. That annoying brass brand at PE makes a racket at the most inopportune moment.
4. Billy Bowden makes a clanger of an error.
5. After the above a call is made for greater use of technology.
6. As soon as 5. above happens an Old Boy type pipes up to defend “cricket’s traditions” and thus begins a tediously boring argument adding nothing new to what’s been said the last 15 years.
7. Jacques Kallis comes in and the run-rate drops by about 1.5 runs/over.
8. Mark Boucher breaks the sound barrier in gum chewing speed.
9. Bhutana Komphela argues that Thami Tsolekile must play in place of Mark Boucher.
10. During a tight ending, the camera pans to Jonty Rhodes on the sidelines biting his nails off in panic. The man is truly passionate.

Double Beer Sip

1. Graeme Smith fishes outside off-stump. Yes, this happens often enough to warrant demotion to the sip category above but surely the sight of the national captain displaying such poor juvenile flaws in his technique is enough to warrant more alcoholic relief?
2. Mode Zondeki makes an appearance in the team room NOT on crutches.
3. The camera pans the Newlands crowd in the sunshine and you see a bevy of beauties that make you eyes water; go on son — douse them flames.
4. Jacques Kallis comes in and scores within his first few dozen balls faced.
5. Herschelle Gibbs pulls a 150km/h rib tickler to the ropes with jaw-dropping audacity. One handed.
6. Our man Hersch gets out the next ball to a looping half-volley.
7. You read that Hersch was spotted partying until the wee hours the previous night.
8. Bored by the hopeless batsmen he’s padding up to, Boucher starts blowing gum bubbles.
9. A camera shot shows Luke Watson seated in the VIP suite, a cup of Rooibos on his lap.

Beer Gulp

1. Anyone but an ANC bigwig or Watson snr is seated next to young Luke.
2. SA have an opening stand of more than 40.
3. Hersch is NOT the first to go. This is classical killing two birds with one stone as you also celebrate a certain podgy skipper’s removal from before your eyes.
4. The ending of a significant partnership NOT inducing a collapse in the ranks.
5. Shane Warne fires the first salvo in the pre-tour war of words. Darryl Cullinan maintains his silence.
6. Ricky Ponting and Matt Hayden are busted for giving money to bookies in return for pitch information; the ACB brushes it off as minor and the FF+ goes apoplectic with rage.
7. SA wraps up the opposing tail in oh-let’s-be-generous eight overs and for less than 40 runs.
8. Makhaya Ntini actually bursts into flames while geeing up the troops on the field, in the first over.
9. A January Centurion Test gets washed out.

A Shot of Something Warming

1. Makhaya Ntini acts reserved and calm at a press conference.
2. Acknowledging his PR limitations, Mickey Arthur enlists Pieter de Villiers to be his spokesperson. Cue references to correct cutlery combinations and Biblical metaphors.
3. Luke Watson speaks out against quotas in cricket.
4. A shot of Julius Malema on the big screen is met with thundering applause.
5. Jonty Rhodes LOOKS like a former athlete in his late thirties in a TV appearance. *Jammy, handsome bastard*

Bring Out Ze Absinthe!

1. Bhutana Komphela laments Kevin Pieter Peterson of Pietermaritzburg’s emigration to colder climes and calls it a sad day for SA Cricket.
2. Graeme Smith goes through an entire press conference without using a single vague cliché.
3. A thoroughly sozzled Andrew Symonds walks into a press conference clad in Aboriginal garb and responds to questions via rhythmical didgeridoo.

These are but the first few so far, feel free to add on and roll on the summer!