Salad-bar diversity

A few months ago I wrote a piece titled “The Oros Man” in which I detailed the pressures and inhumanities to which fat people are subjected in order to fit in the corporate workplace. In that particular piece I used the illustrious year-end office function as a tool to illustrate my point of view on this matter. There is a very long list of expectations that are placed upon Fat Ones in the corporate world for them to be socially accepted, and for them to secure their social status and ensure progress within the well-established company social hierarchy.

So it would seem that the amount of talent you have for your job has very little to do with whether you will be successful in your chosen career. What seems to be more important in choosing people who will be advanced and have the proverbial silver spoon stuck up where the sun doesn’t shine is largely directly proportional to their physical appearance — and let’s not forget the all-important “ability” for them to brown-nose their superiors consistently and efficiently. This is troubling, to say the least.

At a conference I attended in my early years at my current job, we had an “expert” on diversity, a white middle-aged woman, who was helping us as a company to befriend the monster called diversity in the workplace. She first gave a presentation on the different types of diversity and quoted “research” to back up her assertions. One of the things she said, and the one that troubled me the most, was that fat people were unlikely to be promoted in the workplace purely because of their physical appearance.

I nearly choked on my choc-chip biscuit at this most preposterous news, but gathered myself in time and swallowed the said mouthful of sugary joy successfully (wouldn’t want to waste a good biscuit just because I’m doomed to a bottom-of-the-pile pit of a job with absolutely no growth prospects except around my waist).

She used an example of two equally qualified and experienced individuals — one fat and one of average weight. The average-weighted individual would be far more likely to get the nod over his or her silly, no-self-control, burger-munching counterpart. I say again that this still troubles me as much as it did the first time I heard it.

Like I’ve said before: I do not know how much of this rings true. I have been employed at this great establishment for about five years now; I have won accolades and helped grow the account in an unprecedented manner; and yet I’m still sitting in the very same position in the company organogram as I was when I first arrived, while other, well, complete and utter idiots consistently get the nod ahead of me. I’d very much like to think that it is not because I resemble a ghetto version of Santa that I haven’t yet received the nod to perform at a higher level in the organisation.

I do acknowledge that my progress and growth in the corporate environment is largely in my hands, although there is a fair amount of external influence that will dictate my progress. I’ve wondered if it is my nonchalant attitude to the numerous warnings and programmes put in place for the employees to fight the fat and conform by thinning down that has retarded my progress. You see, when one displays behaviour contrary to the norm or the expected standard in any environment — work included — then one is usually greeted with resistance and lack of acceptance. I believe this is called cognitive dissonance (see how much it helps to read?).

So in a mighty feat to defeat, or rather deceive, your cognitive-dissonance-oppressed employers and colleagues and forge a way to success requires a bit of scheming on the part of the lard-burdened individual. You see, to the people who are responsible for making the final decision on your progress, you will seem strange and different; you will stand out and be foreign to them. It is an uncomfortable situation for them and subconsciously they will try to avoid this situation manifesting itself in the department. It is not their fault; it is just that people feel more comfortable around those who physically look like them. Race plays a large role in this decision-making too and, to a lesser and less noticeable extent, I believe physical appearance other than the concentration of pigment of your skin also plays a big part.

This is why you always find a group of ugly people being friends or a group of really good-looking people hanging out together, bar the one ugly fatty who acts as security, financial backer, caregiver, stand-in nanny and so forth. We all need a low-self-esteem friend; it is the way of the world. It is human nature and although we may pretend, we are terribly conscious of the differences between us and try as hard as we can to pretend that our prejudices do not exist.

This is why it is so much more difficult for fat people to gain promotion or gainful employment ahead of their slicker, slighter counterparts. In these situations you will find individuals going to crazy extremes to conform, often resulting in their own demise as they try their damndest to secure a higher social standing in the organisation. This is the reason why, as I have mentioned before, I believe I should propose a draft Bill to the government to fight the aesthetic marginalisation of people in the workplace. There should be quotas of fat and ugly people in key leadership positions in the private sector and indeed in the public sector, in proportion with the fat and ugly demographics of our country.

Thinner people even look more efficient, don’t they? The Sumo hard at work, sweating over a project, does not look as sexy or productive as a tall, lean and masculine man slaving over a similar project putting in the same amount of effort. I believe that sweat has had a far greater impact on people’s careers than it has ever been given credit for. Gracefulness is not one of the Sumo’s strong points; if the Sumo is late for a meeting and he is jogging to it, firstly the ground reverberates with every step (not sexy), and his, well, generally jelly-ish self does not look as sexy as that masculine dude, who is also late, running with the Baywatch theme song playing in the background as he gracefully glides to the meeting room. That’s just how gravity works: in favour of the masculine while distorting the image of the hard-working, intelligent, witty and engaging Sumo.

I’m still working on the draft document and, if we take into consideration the amount of time it takes for our government structures to pass anything through the system, 17 years from now, when I would have long died of a lard-induced heart attack, the Bill would still be in the discussion phase and nothing would be done to advance it. So rather than wait for the government to do something to aid us, the fat, oppressed individuals in our society, we try desperately to better our chances for acceptance in mainstream corporate culture by succumbing to subtle, unspoken demands for us to change and allow ourselves to be assimilated into thin people’s acceptable social norms.

Most of us are fat because we cannot lose weight; I say “most” of us, because some of us, like the Sumo, couldn’t be bothered less what you think of us and munch away happily at our favourite bucket of fried chicken wings without a care in the world. Some of us, however, unfortunately feel that they have to conform to the mainstream belief system and lose weight in order to be accepted in the workplace. You can tell which individuals are selling out the fat faction by the way they behave in the office. They behave in a manner that screams to the rest that they are trying to change and in time the assimilation will be complete and they are willing to do whatever it takes to complete this assimilation without any limitations or resistance whatsoever.

It is these individuals (typically to be found at the salad bar at the work canteen) who are selling out the struggle for fat equality and giving in to the thin, judgmental right-wingers who are ruthlessly subjecting us to sub-human status. For example, I was at the canteen hoping to get some lunch before the rush crowd came in at 1pm the other day and, to my surprise, they got there before me (horror of horrors!). Besides being a total waste of time, standing in queues is not my thing as it also causes a strain on the old joints due to my obvious weight disposition. To get back to the point: what I always observe at the canteen is that only fat people eat salad. You might think this makes perfect sense as only fat people need to eat salad in order to lose weight, but no, if that were true, thin people would need to eat as much salad as the fat people in order to maintain their weight. It’s all an evil ploy to keep you fat and submissive, my dear fat friend; don’t fall for it!

We all know what those poor, rotund souls would rather be having, right? A greasy cheeseburger with extra relish, large fries on the side with cheese sauce generously drizzled over them, chocolate cake for dessert and a Coke buddy to wash it all down. But no! They are eating at the company canteen and they will be judged! What with the Vitality drive and all that, how can they justify their burger-munching ways?

So the poor, oppressed fatties order a small salad, make sure they have all the colours in it as so wisely advised in the diet section of their women’s magazine — green, red, yellow, purple and so on. Then they sit with their “thin” friends and shove the roots, seeds, weeds and barks down their throats. With their stomachs absolutely screaming for the beef lasagna that their friends are having, they grin and laugh through this painful experience. But I, the Sumo, can always see the sadness in their eyes and the longing for the freedom to commit trans-fatty acid suicide slowly, as exemplified by the Sumo.

It’s sad, really, but this is what it means to be a fat person in the corporate world. And don’t believe the hype: people are watching you. Yes, they are! So if you can’t conform by being thin, you at least have to be seen to be making an effort to conform. Effort is as good as conformance in the corporate world — it means you are with them not against them (the thin people, I mean). You agree with their point of view and their belief systems, and you are well on your way to being one of them — therefore you are good enough to form the perimeter of the group (not the core yet, not until you prove yourself by one day coming into the office and proudly and loudly announcing: “I have lost 13 kilos in six weeks!” to applause from your judges).

That day when I assessed the situation at the salad bar with sadness in my heart, I hoped they were serving mutton curry or something similarly greasy at the main-course section; if not, I would definitely be heading for the burger bar — I think a double-cheese mutton burger was what I settled on. Plus, it was the Christmas season so everyone was pigging out, therefore I thought I might as well have a few rashers of bacon on the side and maybe some mash and gravy as well. I’m salivating just thinking about that great culinary experience.

So it would seem that the message is that you don’t conform to the weight standard at your peril. If you refuse to be helped by the many Vitality activities that are placed firmly at your disposal, you shall be left behind by the progress train. Fatties, noticing this as the status quo, try to change themselves dramatically to show conformance. The Sumo is quite embarrassed to announce that he was also once caught up in the conformance drive before he opened his mind and realised the truth.

The Sumo is ashamed to say here today that, yes, he did get involved in a phantom diet programme. This was excruciating for the Sumo as he pretended to be fully committed to this diet and ate all manner of plant materials during work hours while greedily munching down on fast food in the evenings in the sanctuary of his own abode.

The Sumo was also privy to a phantom gym contract; this required the Sumo to carry a bag to work, at least three times a week, a bag full of “gym clothes” just so that people would think he was attending religiously. Trust me, ladies and gentlemen, I am not proud of what I did, the lies I told to others, but mostly I’m sorry for the strain that carrying the lousy gym bag put on the Sumo’s back..

I say above that I engaged in all these phantom activities devised to deceive thin people into believing my commitment to their way of life before I knew the truth. What is my truth and my outlook on life, you may ask? The truth is: fat is beautiful, but also possibly shortens your life expectancy, so find a healthy balance and let the rest sort itself out as you live your life in a manner that makes you happy. Do not let your detractors dictate your self esteem, self-worth, confidence and happiness.

Oh, and remember, fat and ugly people need love too, Let that be your motto.

I rest
The Sumo